Ponderings from Avencina

Couples Therapy- Session 2

2012-01-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am in therapy with a man that I know to be emotionally abusive.
But I now have to rethink that unprofessional diagnosis... Because each time we leave the session..I am in tears...and he feels vindicated. Could I really be THAT wrong? I guess so... I am left today in a depression that I am finding hard to get out of.
Before he left today, I mentioned that my sister really like the present we/he got her for Christmas.. He responded that he hopes she appreciates the monetary value of the gift because it was expensive. (?) This, from a man who's annual bonus each year is around 350K.. That is the bonus... Not the salary.

I sent him an email telling him that indeed she does appreciate the monetary value of the gift and is very grateful for his generosity ...

Detachment

2011-12-01T23:16:00.000-08:00

Is the secret to happiness.
It is the way of the Buddha.. the Tao ...
It is difficult.

So as I sit, trying to meditate and learn the lessons of life as they are presented to me. To ponder the riddle of doing what I think was the "right" thing.. the morally correct and in-line thing.. Yet still having to face the same trials that were presented before.

So no date now for our event. No response to communications sent. No worries because I ain't bent.

Wow..

It is Nice to be Wanted

2011-11-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

Not by the FBI, or some other law enforcement organization seeking to liberate you from your freedom.

But by those in power who think you have something to offer...
Who recognize your value and contribution, even when you doubt it for yourself..
What it has done is renewed my vigor in my current position..
Reminded me of my work ethic and what I do well
Reminded me also that what I know of myself is when I face I challenge..something moves inside me to not only meet it,
but surpass it..

I can do anything

So can you...

Thanksgiving Eve

2011-11-23T11:57:00.000-08:00

Sitting in my office on this short day (leaving at noon)...hardly able to focus on work.
Feeling the energy of staff who are, like me, ready to go home and enjoy the rest of the week with family and friends...

Feeling some anxiety because I know I have so much to do... projects to attend to... but wanting only to sleep...to relax... to play with my dog... to relish in a bit of leisure..

Alors, it is done... pack up the bag...shut down the computer... Exhale in gratitude..

2011-10-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

"Other people should not have the ability to hurt you. What they say is just their observation...YOU give it meaning...YOU can choose what that meaning is..YOU can choose how to react."

(as the ears still flow...I am on a learning curve with this truth)

Red Flags

2011-10-10T20:57:00.000-07:00

So, as we head out on a trip to lovely Sedona AZ.... I anticipate the best. Even though I know there is potential for disaster. Why?
1. Road trip from California to Texas.... in a mini cooper
2. Said trip is being taken with a man I know has a bit of a psychological disorder. Though I am not a doctor.
3. It is a helluva long way...

Amazingly, the 8 hours from SD to Sedona was uneventful...even nice.
But here we are on the first night ... after a round of golf, that was pretty wonderful..we head to the 19th hole for a drink and bite to eat.

At the table, I looked over at him and told him (in my regular voice..so I was not whispering) "you have a booger..you can get it when you get your napkin". That was the end of the good times. He told not to say that so loud. (I only said it loud enough for him to hear. Mind you, this is the same man who took off his pants while the bell person was in the room.)

He stopped talking to me altogether. We came back to the hotel and he slept for 3 hours. I went to meditation class to try to get some perspective..came back and asked him what he wanted to do this evening. He shrugged his shoulders. Do you want to watch a movie I asked... He shrugged his shoulders... So I told him that I can't be..like this with someone who can't talk to me.

So he proceeded to tell me how I am:

1.Ghetto
2. Lowbrow

I can't tell you how much that hurt my feelings. He said it an hour ago and I am still crying..I just can't stop. This is the man I am supposed to marry? Who thinks I am lowbrow??? That term is so mean...so judgmental and ..hurtful.. He tries to spin it with "I mean your behavior is lowbrow".. That is not better...

This relationship is doomed

Long Time No See

2011-09-23T13:15:00.001-07:00

It has taken me this long to get my password updated to log back into my old corner of the world. So happy to have my space again.

No Assistance

2010-07-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

without any assistance or guidance from you
i have loved you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day
i have been stood up four times
i've left 7 packages on yr doorstep
forty poems 2 plants & 3 handmade notecards i left
town so i cd send to you have been no help to me
on my job
you call at 3:00 in the mornin on weekdays
so i cd drive 27 1/2 miles cross the bay before i go to work
charmin charmin
but you are of no assistance
i want you to know
this waz an experiment
to see how selifsh i cd be
if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover
if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another
if i cd stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted
& i cannot
so
with no further assistance & no guidance from you
i am endin this affair

this note is attached to a plant
i've been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it
yr damn self

Lovely

2010-01-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

You know, I read the book and found it to be unbelievably moving. A story that absorbed me from the very beginning. But that was some time ago and when I decided this evening to go and see the movie, I did not what to expect. Sure I heard the great reviews.. but don't they all have decent reviews to get you in the door?

In the theater, again.. I sat fully absorbed in this young girls life and death. Her struggle, along with that of her family to move on. To transcend. It was tense, extraordinarily creative visually, and quite engaging. Yes I did scream out loud a few times much to the dismay of my companion.

As the credits rolled, so did the tears down my cheeks. I was so affected by this story..this movie and the way it was told... And I remembered my own story. One long ago when I was about 23. I had a class I was taking on my own, for interest. I met this young man whom no one else seemed to talk to or befriend. I made no grand gestures, but I did say hello and lean toward politeness. After 2 months or so, he invited a few people out to his family's property to view the moons of Jupiter... he lived in the desert of San Diego county. I agreed, as did one or two others. Well the evening of the viewing, I had no idea I was the only one that would show up.

There was a scene in the movie where, the young girl having gone down underneath the earth with this man, suddenly realizes the mistake she made. The fatal mistake that she did not anticipate. You see this in her face and you feel it in your own bones.

As I sat that night, in the middle of desert with this young man and his father... Both white, me Black.... with no one for miles... I realized the mistake the I made. I felt it every pore, in the violent gushing of my own blood through my own veins... I think they knew I knew it too. Somehow I survived that evening...and to this day, I know that it was a miracle. Those people meant to do me harm. Permanent harm. But something changed their minds that night and I got to walk away. When I got to my car.. I traveled as fast as my wheels would spin. There were no cell phones then, no way to alert anyone. Nothing. I never went back to that class.. and I never saw those people again. But I also never forgot.

So tonight when I left this movie and remembered this incident, I could not stop crying.. I came home and hugged my puppy and basked in gratefulness.

So like Susie Salmon...

We are here for a time and then we are gone.
I wish you a long and happy life...

Journey to Freedom

2009-09-20T23:35:00.000-07:00

Going on a much-needed vacation excited her. The job had been stressing her but so had her relationship. So when he suggested that they go for a week to Tahiti, where she had never been, her heart could not help but race with anticipation.She hoped that he would not cancel at the last minute, as he had done before. The trip to London, canceled because she had not answered his phone messages in a timely enough fashion and he was having doubt. Then there was the trip to Arizona for a sport vacation… canceled because he was upset with her fondness over the new President of the United States. So many disappointments, yet she still had hope that this would go through and that it would be good time spent together.

About two weeks before their departure date, he called to tell her that there had been a change in plans and he hoped that she would not be upset. Here it was, she thought. The cancel call. He did not call to cancel, but to tell her that he invited two of his family members to travel with them. Relieved, she said “No problem!”At the airport, everyone was excited and ready to board the plane for the 9-hour trip. Boarding the plane after their traditional bloody Mary for her, and chardonnay for him, in the airport bar, all was good.

When they landed it was hot and gorgeous, and though fatigued from plane ride, she and his relatives were ready to hit the beach. He was ready to hit the bed for a nap. And so they did, and he did not rise until the next day. The plan was to do some sightseeing, have a nice lunch together and figure out some things to do during their visit. Beach time, museums on land and under water, waterfalls and nature preserves. At dinner on the second evening, the two of them were alone. He was quiet, so she started some conversation in which he reluctantly and sarcastically participated. Not new, she thought, but maybe she could break him out of it. Turning toward other diners, he gave a small scowl at a young woman and man with extensive tattoos. “That is so stupid and disgusting”, he said. “What is?” she replied as she was unsure of what he was referencing. “People with tattoos like that are stupid”. She responded that she thought it was quite intriguing and not stupid at all. Particularly in this part of the world where tattoos are intensely cultural and connected to spirituality. He looked at her with some disdain and told her that he could not even continue a conversation with her. That she was obviously so silly and stupid herself as to even think that. They finished their dinner in silence. And for the next few days, he did not speak to her unless absolutely necessary.

Since there was no conversation, there certainly was no sex between them or any other expressions of love and/or affection. Then one evening he called her into the bathroom. When she came in wondering what this could be about, he walked over and put his arm around her shoulder. He then walked her over to the toilet and opened it. Still not understanding what he wanted, he pointed to something inside the toilet. Literally a piece of shit is what his finger pointed towards as he asked her what it was and why it was there. When she said it looks like something that should be in the toilet and that she did not know where it came from. He told her it did not come from him, which he was quite sure about, so it must have come from her. He recommended that she clean it up, as it was quite disgusting for him. She did not clean it up and took her rest to the couch where she spent the rest of the trip in a beautiful place in a horrible situation.

Ghetto not so Fabulous....

2009-09-13T22:37:00.000-07:00

You know, I hate stereotypes.
I used to very reluctant to tell people where I grew up out of fear that they would label, judge and dismiss me. As I have grown older, the exact opposite view has occupied my consciousness. I now want people to know that I was raised in Compton, so that they have a different paradigm in which to operate. Not all people from a so called "ghetto" are stupid, drug addicted, gang members.

But in my most recent visit home... The following images are what greeted me. I thought to myself
"What the hell is going on here. This cannot be real" A grown woman chasing young boys down the street in her underwear. Cursing them. Beating them. In her front yard for the whole neighborhood to witness.

I was saddened because she blew the stereotype out of the window. Shattered it to pieces and rebuilt it in a worse way. Here I am ... doing exactly what I feared other people would do to me..
judge. Dismiss. Label.

So what do I do as another woman who lives on the street imaged here? I can't help her. Intervene and make her life better. I simply must do the best that I can to set a different example so people know that 1 person can never represent a whole group...

One day to the next...

2009-09-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

One day you are fine.
Worrying about your lists of things to do. Frustrated with the state of affairs locally and globally.
Maybe grateful for some things that go your way... Planning your future..

I just learned this evening that a friend and colleague of mine was diagnosed with breast cancer last week and will undergo surgery next week. In a flash it all changes. Those things that were once so important are now nothing. Now things that you wish you never wasted your time and energy on. But you did. We all do.

We can change that.

Be grateful for each and every moment that you have your health, your family..your friends.

Now I am thinking of the ways in which I can be a good friend to someone who needs me... who needs all of those around her... to push her toward healing. And reminds each of us of what is truly important in this life.

People

Love

Compassion

Peace

Crime in the City

2009-09-07T22:35:00.000-07:00

They did get all of my music..which is indeed a temporary loss. But completely replaceable...One can only hope they do not choose this line of work for a long term career.

Oldies but Goodies

2009-08-30T22:29:00.000-07:00

The plan was clear and in place.
My sister and I planned to have a joint birthday party for our parents. Something we had never done that would serve two purposes: Bringing family together and bringing the parents together.

The Evite was sent, the responses (though few) came in.. and we figured, though small, it would still be a nice event. Being a real cultural phenomenon, we knew that at least a few more people would show up than had rsvp'd. We invited 14 and 35 showed up. Not bad...

The day began with the expectation that one of our uncles would come over early to help barbeque the meat. Neither my sister or I have a lot of experience in this field so we were happy to have some help. We got up early prepared to get some things taken care before we get dressed for guest arrival. I ran downstairs to move my car out of the driveway so that my sister could start running errands. It was then, that I noticed, while she was talking to me about what needed to get done, there was a file of green glass next to my car. I heard nothing of what she said, but interrupted and asked her, "Do you see that?" She turned around and saw the giant hole in my drivers side window.. Smash and grab. Someone broke the window and snatched whatever they could get out of my car. After a call to the police, official police report and fingerprinting of my car, I collected myself and let go. This wasn't so bad. I still had my car..and I also still had the golf clubs that were in my trunk. All they got was a Maui tote bag with my old golf shoes, some clothes and another pair of shoes that needed repair. Apparently the robbers wanted my old golf shoes even less than I did. I found them in the middle of the street around the corner from my sister's hours. Tossed out of a car window in disgust and frustration I am sure.

As we welcomed Uncle Will into the backyard to set up the bbq and get started, we had a sinking feeling. When he volunteered to do the cooking, it seemed too good to be true. It was. Granted it was 100 degrees outside... but my uncle did NO cooking and all the drinking. He had 4 beers in the span of 1.5 hours. He lit the grill and proceeded to sit down with his Bud Light. He did not get our of his chair except to look for more ice.

Since I was having my crash course in grilling..while cleaning and cooking other items.. the panic..no, not panic. Just sheer frustration was kicking in. My sister spent 3 of the wee hours the morning before downloading "old school" music from iTunes. While we were working and cooking, we put on the ipod to stay in the party mood. Suddenly the music stopped. The ipod was frozen and the reset was not working... what is going on?

I worked on fixing the music while she washed dishes. I heard a scream and saw a fountain of water shooting the kitchen sink. What happened? My sister looked at me in disbelief...in her hand was the head of the faucet and water was soaking her from head to toe. I stifled my giggle and ran to turn of the water. While I mopped, she called the plumber only to find out they could not come out until 7pm... it was 11am when we called.

Okay..no worries. we can handle this.. Yes we can!

Cleaning up the kitchen, I decided to run the garbage disposal. Bad move. No movement and no sound. No garbage disposal either. It too decided to go on strike. Murphy's Law was in action full force.

For all the drama and trauma..the party turned out to be a wonderful event! Good food, good company... and hilarious karaoke. Many good ...and now funny memories will be our keepsake.

Truthtelling

2009-08-14T08:52:00.000-07:00


"You never change things by fighting the existing reality. To change
something, build a new model that makes the existing model obsolete."
-R. Buckminster Fuller


SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Ideally, you wouldn't even be reading
this. You'd be white-water rafting along the Franklin River in Tasmania, or
riding on "the train at the end of the world" in Tierra del Fuego, or
observing Golden Bamboo lemurs in the rainforest of southeastern
Madagascar. Ideally, Sagittarius, you'd be far away from any newspaper
that carries my column. You'd be taking a vacation from the Internet and
unable to access my horoscopes there. In fact, you'd be out of touch with
all media, period. But since you are reading this, you must not be doing
the ideal thing. So please do the next best thing: Flee as far as possible
from your usual haunts, your habitual influences, and your customary
comforts.
Rob Brezney

I should be doing all of those things...
If you have not had the pleasure and delight of reading Rob Brezney's work.
Check him out
here:
http://FreeWillAstrology.com

His writings are fantastic, juicy and inspiring. I simply adore his gift.

San Diego Pride

2009-07-18T21:15:00.000-07:00

Well after living in San Diego for over 17 years, I finally made it to part of the Pride celebrations. My goal was to see the infamous parade. but after driving around looking for parking that was not 5 miles away, I gave up. But the driving around was interesting and entertaining on its own. What an adventure!

My personal favorite...

You must appreciate any sentiment that gives praise to women...

These were just some of the sights to be taken in at today's events. It was truly eyeopening and fun. Something for every single person could be found, and that is indeed.. Diversty!

Loving Maui

2009-06-04T23:41:00.000-07:00

And maybe next time I will find Love in Maui! What a beautiful island... The time I spent here was stunning and memorable.

Evening walk

2009-06-02T21:26:00.000-07:00

I have made a commitment to myself... again. And as I've said before "this time is different.
My life is short, no matter how long I am lucky enough to have. So I must be better. I must do better in all things. Caring for my body, my spirit, my mind... my family and friends... It can and will be done.

In pursuit of this goal, I came home this evening and rather than, parking my ass on the couch to watch the days talk shows and decompress from a strange/difficult/hectic work day; I put on my running clothes and hit the pavement. It was a beautiful evening, clear and brisk...

As I ran, and sometimes walked through the tourists gathered at the harbor, I prayed. Being grateful for living in this magnificent city.. For my health and the opportunity to earn a living. I prayed for those innocent people who lost their lives on the Air France 447 flight. I though of the horror they must have felt in those moments before impact and I sent up my prayer.

All along the way, I ran past several homeless people making their beds for the night. And I was grateful for my amazing condo. One of them was talking to a friend..or maybe it was just a passerby. He said "I had a boxing career, I had a singing career, And I want someone to write about that. I was good, probably still am. But if I die today, they won't write nothing about that. They won't write nothing about what did that was good while I was here".

Though I don't know his name, and he will never see this post. I wanted to write down what I heard from him. So that something about what he did while he was here, is documented.

View from Below

2009-05-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Out of the sunroof, downtown San Diego on a gorgeous Spring evening... taken while cruising in to the Harbor neighborhood...

Neo-Mannerist

2009-05-03T20:54:00.000-07:00

1976... I remember clearly sitting in my living room.. maybe 10 years old or so...
Listening to " I Want You" Marvin Gaye's new vinyl at the time. My sister and cousins, singing and dancing. All of us taking turns being the lead singer on our favorite jam... Not just with this album but with lots.. covers spread across the sofa and floor... record jackets out so we could read/sing the words..

I was often mesmerized by the covers of these albums. Sitting for long periods dissecting and trying to see every part them. The cover of this album was one that captured my attention and had me sitting trying to see into the faces of those beautiful black folk.. dancing, drinking, happy, sad, alone and together... while the music played in the background and our teen and preteen selves pretended to embody their passion...

At that time, I had no idea who Ernie Barnes was. Only later in life did I discover more about the man and his art and his life. This week, Mr. Barnes passed away, 70 years of living a life full of success and trials. Living through segregation, always pursuing art even during his days with the Denver Broncos... Hard - Soft.. Bone cracking - Soul searching

http://www.erniebarnes.com/index.html

I love this quote from Ernie Barnes in an article by NPR

Barnes never painted his subjects with their eyes open.

"We don't see each other. "We are blind to each other's humanity."

Farewell to a great artist and Human Being.

Last Days

2009-04-28T22:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I dare ask the question that one should never, ever ask. No matter the circumstances...
Here it goes...

Could it get any worse?

My Mother always said that is a question you never want an answer to, particularly during a rough period. But I did it anyway.

The worst financial crisis since 1929

Severe Global warming that threatens the living systems we have created

Job Loss, Gigantic companies going under faster than the Titanic

Graduating students with no prospects to look for

Low flying planes in New York for the sake of a good picture..sending people into the streets
running for their lives

Possible Global pandemic of the dreaded Swine flu

And now Arlen Spector wants to become a Democrat??!

It's all too much to take in.

Peace Out

Wine Country

2009-04-10T18:24:00.000-07:00

Who knew that our own Sacramento Valley is the cradle of fabulous wine country vineyards? Not I... that is until last week. Taking a break from a long and somewhat stressful conference in our state's capitol, some friends decided to take an adventure and try a wine tasting tour.

When one thinks of good wines, beautiful countryside filled with charm and elegance, Sacramento does not usually come to mind, but now it should...

The wines we tasted were just as smooth, rich, bright, tangy, clean, peachy and refreshing as any I've tasted...

A view from the car window...

.

To be Grateful

2009-02-25T22:09:00.000-08:00

Is to be present. Constantly aware of what blessings you have been awarded.

I have been in one of those weeks where the work is constant... Rising at 4:30am... do a workout..go to work. Try to manage those stresses with grace and professionalism. (Trust me, this is not easy when you manage people. They are crazy.) Come home, eat a little something hoping that it doesn't turn into a lot of something... bad.

Try to finish the work that you could not do at the office. Go to bed..
Just when I think it is safe to complain and scream to the Universe "why me?! why this?!"
I get a reality check. They come from various sources...

Sometimes I get them driving home, passing a man with a cardboard sign, asking for help.

I get it when I overhear a story about a woman at work who was just diagnosed with breast cancer.

I get it when I watch the news...

The good thing, I think is that I am getting it more often. And I realize how tremendously lucky I am even with all of my "problems".

I get it.

Passings...

2009-02-05T00:43:00.000-08:00

Today, in the middle of a long meeting...
Discussing "what ifs" and thinking about what comes to mind as you move through to a resolution..
Clarity rang in...

With a phone call from my Father...
"My brother, your Uncle Derby died today at 12:30pm."
Then it was quiet. What were these people talking about anyway...

I need to get out of that room
Figure out how make sure my Dad can pay respects to his brother..
My Uncle...

Phone calls back and forth...Detroit to San Diego
San Diego to LA
LA to Detroit... LA to San Diego..
San Diego to Detroit...

The only thing final so far is the end of a life...
Always grateful for the continuation of my own...

Narcissism

2009-02-01T22:07:00.000-08:00

1. Egoism: 1 a: a doctrine that individual self-interest is the actual motive of all conscious action b: a doctrine that individual self-interest is the valid end of all actions 2: excessive concern for oneself with or without exaggerated feelings of self-importance

2. love of or sexual desire for one's own body

3. When someone close to you tells you that their uncle is dying and they will have to attend a funeral in the next week, and your response is: "So I guess that means you are not coming out.; You know I played 18 holes of golf today and did really well!; You can't afford to buy a ticket to Detroit. ; I guess funerals are important and you'll have to use your credit card. (while in the meantime they spend $500 on golf in one week.

Never once said "Oh I am sorry to hear that sweetheart. Are you okay? What are your plans? How can I help? How is your Dad taking the news? ... No. Nothing like that...

It is all about priorities...

"Narcissism and self-deception are survival mechanisms without which many of us might just jump off a bridge."Todd Solondz

Blue Sky Hiking

2009-01-25T21:45:00.000-08:00

Hiking in the mountains of San Diego on a cloud filled day in the Blue Sky Trail was amazing. The hike was not for the weak at heart or spirit. The climb was steep, and the reward spectacular.

Trees burned from the recent fires... surrounded by new life...

Beautiful vistas and, of course, Blue Skies....

Anne Frank:

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.

President and First Lady of the UNITED States of America

2009-01-20T20:36:00.000-08:00

"The light of the new age is here"... (Forrest Whitaker)

After taking the oath of the Presidency with his hand on the Bible last used by Abraham Lincoln, our new President made his way to commune and celebrate this historic moment with the people that helped put him in office

A beautiful couple and family to represent our great country. I am Proud to be an American.

I finally feel that my history will no longer relegated to a few chapters on Slavery, demeaning descriptions of the natives who inhabit the "Dark Continent", or the few larger than life hero's and heroine's assassinated before for their belief in equality and justice, by fear and hate filled white men. I belong here. Just as you belong here with me.

From the Emancipation Proclamation and Abraham Lincoln ~ The 13th Amendment to the United States Constitution officially abolished and continues to prohibit slavery and involuntary servitude, except as punishment for a crime. Adopted December 6, 1865.

To Franklin Delano Roosevelt whose New Deal was extremely helpful to African Americans and other minorities, but who also declined to vote for anti-lynching legislation to preserve his southern voter constituency...

To Martin Luther King, Jr. who saw the vision of equality and justice realized in his dream..but did not live to see it to fruition. Who had great faith in the potential that this nation could transcend its own moral ineptitude..

To John and Robert Kennedy.... to all of the unsung, unspoken and unknown heros who fought and died for the rights of those who had no rights....

To a man, who at one time would have considered worth only 3/4ths of a white person.. sworn into the highest position in the Nation, if not the world (can't be too ethnocentric) taking the oath of the Presidency with his hand on the same bible used by Lincoln...

To each one of us, who are alive to witness this sea change toward hope, empowerment and contribution.

"I am asking you to Believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington... I am asking you to believe in yours"... ~Obama

She Shows Her Stress In Her Feet

2009-01-19T22:31:00.000-08:00

"Is it time to go home yet? I keep clicking these damn shoes, but nothing happens"

I heard my mobile phone ring... (it has the ring of a traditional door bell), but I was tired of de-briefing our day... a few hours spent at my parents home. I let the phone go, mostly because I had to answer the front door, or at least see if I was going to answer the front door. (Turned out, I was not). When I called my sister back, we were immediately into our session.

Today's visit to my Mom & Dad's comes on the heels of the 3rd cancel of her planned knee replacement surgery that began in September 2008. From that point to today, our family has been trying to prepare for her recovery. She has canceled 3 times. This time, because she has a sore throat, the time before that was so she would not ruin Christmas. My sister and I secretly think this sickness was a convenient coincidence with the Inauguration of one President Obama..but I degress. Though I know and understand this cancel is for the best in terms of her health, it is still frustrating for some reason. She canceled yesterday, after all of us, myself, my sister, my brother in law made plans to be away from work and other obligations in order to be there for her... for the 3rd time. My supervisor at work simply giggled in empathy when I told her the news.. I would be in the office (except for tomorrow..for obvious reasons).

Anyway, today's visit to Grandma's was the first since my niece's birthday on the 17th. When we arrived, her grandmother had nothing for her. Nothing. The card she had was still in the Rite Aid bag that she got when she purchased it. Sitting at the dining table with my niece, grandmother tells her to go get a pen so she can sign the card. She gives the card to the new teenager and then tells her to go find 50 dollars in her purse. Then the grandmother makes a big deal out her extravagant birthday gifts. I could not bear it.

We were there for 3 hours and it was quite difficult for me to remain calm and patient. Between the birthday dismissal and the surrounding clutter, I was near my wits end. The phone call this evening from my sister was to tell me that my niece told her she could tell I was stressed out at grandma's house. When my sister asked her why she thought that, my niece said, "Well when we first got there, Auntie was walking around lightly, but as time went on, she was walking really hard. I think she shows her stress in her feet".

Classic, n'est pas?

Misty morning... don't see no sun

2009-01-02T23:59:00.001-08:00

December 30th brought a fog bank into San Diego harbor... it felt like another city. The fog horns blowing, the cold, wet breeze covering the city... misting your skin... fizzing your hair... loving every minute of this unique morning in a city that is usually sunny and 72 degrees of perfection. The pace of everything slowed to accommodate nature.

"Misty morning, don't see no sun, I know you're out there somewhere, having fun. There is one mystery, yes, I just can't express. To give you more... to receive you less. One of my good friend say, in a reggae riddim, "Don't jump in the water, if you can't swim". The power of philosphy, floats through my head, light as a feather, heavy as lead..." Bob Marley

View without the fog

Scenes from December 2008

2009-01-02T23:48:00.000-08:00

Fire Goddess Christmas

Dolphin flying to the Star o f India

Repetition

2008-12-01T07:52:00.000-08:00

Okay, I am beginning to wonder if some things happen because I am prepared for them to happen, creating a cause/effect situation... Or if they simply happen regardless of my preparation or lack thereof. It is of course the latter.

After repeated behaviors one can begin to recognize a pattern. If the behaviors creating this pattern also happen to, without exception, cause emotional pain, drama, depression... you name the negative side effect, then one will tend to prepare/protect oneself from the effects of these behaviors.

Thus is the current situation. Having seen the pattern over and over again. The emotional distance, the constant criticism, the unpredictable behavior... the inability to communicate and the irrational high so apparent after causing some pain. They say girls tend to marry or seek out partners that embody aspects of their fathers. In this case it was clearly the aspects of the Mother that are being sought. Not quite sure why...would be an interesting conversation to have with a professional. But the similarities are astounding!

The same emotional blackmail and constant, slow torture. One moment happy and delightful. The next, mean and hateful. Tearing up a room, telling a young child that if it weren't for her, the dreams of the mother could have been realized. Presently that manifests into: "If it weren't for you, I'd certainly have more funds to give to my family". My answer?..Give them to your family. Oh, wait, none of them really speak to you. And when they do, all they want is your money. Now I remember.

The armor against such arrows is well honed now. That is not to say that they don't sting or hurt anymore. But simply that less of them get through to the soft tissue underneath the skin, and that alone is a triumph.

What's love got to do with it? What is love but a second hand emotion...

Our Time has Come.... Part Deux

2008-11-05T23:03:00.000-08:00

The evening of November 4th 2008 brought waves of emotion that I am still riding.

After my election party, I headed downtown San Diego to the victory party at the House of Blues. Mary and her son came with me...

Walking downtown you could see that there was something different. People were smiling.. And though it is not unusual for people to smile in San Diego, it is unusual for everyone to have a grin on their face. As I walked, I fist bumped some young black men on the corner.. I said to them "you're next"... why not? I ran into a young black woman who asked for money.. I didn't have much, but I gave her what change I had on me.. She grabbed me and hugged me and said "Things are going to be different now, sister". I believe she was right.

When Mary, Andrew and I got to the HOB the line was around the corner.. we waited a few minutes chatting with folks and swimming in the excitement of the moment. By the time we got to the door, the President Elect was speaking. I had to hear it... so I ran to a glass door, but could not get to other side.. I stood there and watched the speech, crying uncontrollably. I could see young Andrew watching me, but the tears would not stop, so I went with moment, and let it be.

Once the speech was over, the crowd inside dispersed and we were able to find seats. We all got a Stella Artois and settled in to take in the moment, the news pundits and our surroundings. I met a man who sat alone, drinking from a chalice, with flip flops and pedicured red painted, flower adorned toes, wearing a skull cap with fake braids hanging from it and smiling brightly. He came over and chatted a while, telling us how he has been working for the Obama campaign.. that he traveled to Nevada and Texas to sign folks up to vote, detailing what that experience was like... (And my curiosity peaked as I pictured him in Texas, dressed as he was this evening... interesting interactions indeed!).

After our braided friend, left our table, we finished our beers and headed back out into the streets to go home. People were still smiling, honking their horns and screaming "Obama"! Mary, and Andrew and I were recapping the evening when stopped at a crosswalk, with a crowd of strangers, one of them jumped into the street, aimed her camera at all of us and said "smile, i want a picture of all of you". We did, acting as if we were all old friends, it was hilarious and joyous and strange. I liked it.

At home, I could not sleep..I just watched the news until exhaustion took me gently into her arms and let me rest.

The 44th President and first family...

Election Night Text messages

2008-11-05T08:35:00.000-08:00

"We did it! Pres. Obama!"

"Girl, Girl, Girl..."

"Can you believe what is happening now?"

"Thanks b 2 God, and God be with Obama!"

"Yafucking hoooo!"

"Did you cry?"

"My heart is beating like I have been running a marathon"

"Maybe this can bring a greater hope to our brothers"

Our Time has Come.... Part 1

2008-11-05T00:39:00.000-08:00

"Obama wins Historic US Election" BBC

"Kenya Family in Party Mode for Obama" Kazakhstan news

I know that many will read this title and believe that, by that statement, I am saying that it is now the time for African Americans... But I really mean is that it is now "OUR" time. Our collective time to breathe..to exhale. To look forward together to a new future.

This day was amazing to me from the beginning.

New to my area, I was walking to find my polling place and met one of my neighbors, Maxine, for the first time. When she said she was headed to the polls I asked if I could walk with her. We chatted as we headed further into downtown. Maxine, an older white woman, told me a bit of her personal story... being 10 during the Great Depression, but remembering that it did not seem so bad, because everyone was so poor. How excited she was to vote today, and how her husband chides her for not voting absentee. As the rain fell, our votes cast, we separated into our collective day feeling good. A little apprehensive maybe, but good. Voting somehow does that to you...

"Barack Obama elu presidente: C'est votre victoire" Le Monde

Walking back from the polls in the light rain, I felt a little euphoric... Excited even. People on the street had the same look on their faces as they made their way home or to the voting booth.

This evening, I drove over to a friend's home for an election party (and I am glad that I did). Marcia had all of the fixins for a good party... lots of food to nibble and a great area to watch the election in. It was an eclectic group of Black women... no men for some reason but Black women seem used to this dynamic. We joked and ate and told stories of our voting experience. We watched with high anticipation those electoral votes rack up on each side..red then blue.. Blue then red.. It was maddening! How could Louisiana be won by McCain anyway? I ask myself. My family is there and I know they are not voting Republican. I tend to forget all those other folk who live there... those not quite ready to let go of their Confederate Flags.

As we sat in the comfort of this space and company, we were prepared for a long night.

"Obama sweeps to victory, says change has come to America: Japan Today

Then it happened. The CNN screen read: Barack Obama predicted President Elect....

After a few quiet moments of quizzical conversation... we broke out into spontaneous and collective screams.. The "predicted" part was removed from the headline and they told us that Barack Obama was our 44th President.

My mobile began singing to me incessantly... My Sister... when I answer she is screaming and we scream together... My Mother and Father... when I answer they are crying, and I start to cry. They tell me this is an overwhelming experience. Having lived the Jim Crow years of this country and moved into the silent racist years.. none of thought we would live to see the day an African American would take the big desk at the White House. More tears...

This is an extraordinary day and time to be alive. Each time I think of it...the impact... the message it sends to each every person of color in this country...each and every young Black male who thinks there are no options... every little girl who can now see herself in that House.., I weep.

Gob Bless America

Time away...

2008-10-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Needed so very badly. Though the company I am keeping is poor at best, the surroundings are beautiful, the people friendly, sun warm and calming. I am excited to actually be taking time from work (and not working) to spend leisurely on the beach, by the pool..drinking margaritas and watching my skin darken in the chlorinated and salt waters that I stay immersed in.

My first vacation since last year, and I don't believe I will ever do that to myself again. Keep going and going, becoming more burned out with every hour, every antagonistic encounter. From here, I can recognize how grateful I am for my job, for the life that I have and for the ability to break from it when I need to.

Adios para ahora

Age of Discovery

2008-10-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

A beautiful day in San Diego brought a my continued gratitude for living in this city.

I met a friend for brunch in one of my favorite little haunts in Hillcrest. We dined and chatted and watched the people go by. We walked around the district for a while afterwards, window and real shopping. I got my french magazine and she her book of civil rights poetry. I ducked into a furniture store that housed many items that peaked my desire. I left empty handed but full of ideas for my little condo.

We strolled back to the car and I decided that I would drop her off at her home rather than letting her catch the bus... This seemingly small, generous decision brought much more than I expected. As i said, my plan was to drop her off and head home to start my weekend cleaning.

I know now that she must trust our friendship, because inviting me into her home was a risk taking move. How can you determine how someone would react?

She opened the front door, and as quickly as my mouth dropped open in complete shock, I knew I had to pick it back up and pull myself together. Her home was filled, from floor to ceiling with ...stuff. New stuff, old stuff, junky stuff, good stuff.. but there was no space for living. it was like walking into an episode of Oprah. "Today, on the Oprah show, how clutter gets out of control and what you can do about it". But there was no Oprah, no cameras, no help from her team of experts. It was just me... my friend, and literally mountains of things.

There was no place to sit and only a narrow pathway carved throughout the dwelling that took you from one room to the next. Even the stairs were congested with shoes, papers, picture frames, you name it... so you had to stay close to the banister (which was alright with me). The voice in my head was screaming to get out.... seek freedom from this maze of madness. But my conscience told me to be patient and don't judge.. be a friend. I opted for the latter and it proved quite difficult...

I managed to pretend that everything was normal.. that, sure...lots of people live like this. Her kitchen was filled with dishes in both sides of the sink, every counter top was covered with dishes, boxes, towels..... I could not imagine how she maneuvers each day to get dressed and come to work. She is clean and smart and one would never suspect that there were any underlying issues. But they are there... deep seated and overwhelming. What can one person do at this point?

Jut try to be a friend and recognize if there are calls for help....

American Prayer

2008-09-24T06:58:00.000-07:00

This video moves me to share with those who visit here...

With our markets and economy sinking deeper into Depression each hour..

With average Americans facing the deferment and even crumbling of their American Dreams..

Losing homes... jobs...retirement nest eggs... hope... And now being saddled with the enormous debt of corporate greed...

A prayer is in order...

So is your vote.

www.myamericanprayer.com

You are NOT my starship

2008-09-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

No more. The Starship Enterprise has landed and all of its battles are shown on the aged facade that was once lit with bright lights..thick hair..and a modicum of decency... though not much. Its Captain Kirk, is long in the tooth and has nothing more to offer to the drama of life. He sits in front of a former paramour trying hard not to let the wear and tear show. But it is so apparent.. in that fact that the Captain, a former man's man, shows up unshaven and dressed like a college student..or worse someone living out of his car. Although the shower may be his friend, it seemed that he and his friend had not been on intimate terms of late.

The jealousy flamed in his eyes as he saw the state of his former love. She, simple and sweet... watches him and wonders... "What happened?" A man who had the world..the universe at his fingertips, blows it away like a bubble in the wind. She sees through his thin veil of bravado into the broken spirit of former glory.

The starship has landed and can never be restarted. The engine is dead. The crew has abandoned ship... and the Captain.... The Captain has committed theoretical suicide by the choices made on his many journeys...

I am my own Starship. And my journey has just begun.

*This is not regarding the Captain Kirk pictured here, but a true captain who lost his way*

What a Race

2008-09-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

I have to confess that I am now officially afraid that the next election could bring the Beverly Hillbillies to Washington. Which for those voters is far better than bringing an African American to the White House... after all..it is the "White" house. Nonetheless I must trust the system of a country that I love and have the right to criticize when necessary. I must trust that whomever takes that seat in this new phase of government will at the very least do the better than the last 8 years... We have entrenched ourselves so deeply in debt and war, while isolating ourselves from the rest of the world, it will take an amazing team to turn it around.

Bougainvilla Blooming

2008-04-28T23:05:00.001-07:00

Impermanence

2008-04-21T21:57:00.000-07:00

Today I learned of the death of a colleague of mine.
One with whom I have worked regularly...closely on occasion.
Whose accent I loved (beautiful African lilt), whose taste I envied..whose life was far
too short.. abbreviated by cancer. Of course to those who are left we think that the life lost should have had the gift of longevity. Maybe it was just the right amount of time to accomplish what she came here to do.

“Life is eternal; and love is immortal; and death is only a horizon; and a horizon is nothing save the limit of sight”
*Robert Worthington Raymond

“In her book, The Quantum Self: Human Nature and Consciousness Defined by the New Physics Danah Zohar proposes this alternative view of human immortality. In her chapter "The Survival of the Self: Quantum Immortality" Zohar explains that at the quantum level, when individual particles collide with other particles, they either become something new or "return to the source from which they sprang." But although the individual particle ceases to be what it originally was, its brief existence influences what it has now become.”

Inspiration in Movement

2008-03-19T21:12:00.000-07:00

How lucky I was...

Last minute tickets available to see the Alvin Ailey Dance Theatre at the Orange County Performing Arts Center this weekend.

What an amazing display of beauty, talent and grace. Telling stories of hardship, triumph, love and praise without speaking a word, but shouting with the synchronicity of their bodies in motion.

It brought tears to my eyes to watch them make the impossible seem so easy.

See them for yourself one day....

Soon

Another day in Paradise

2008-02-26T14:01:00.001-08:00

Winter in San Diego

....

Reality Check Please!

2008-02-21T21:12:00.000-08:00

A flurry of activity, all work related.

Hiring new staff, sending out rejection letters to those who did not make the cut. Figuring out what happened to all of course approvals and how are we going submit our academic files on time when half of the half time team is out of the office.

Don't forget Black History Month activities. How am I going to write this speech, pick up our keynote speaker, right after meeting with an obviously disturbed student who wants to come back after ten years absence to get her credential...now

Then I talk to my sister.

She just attended a funeral of a 43 year old man. He was on his way to pick his 3 kids up from school. He was killed instantly in a head on collision. The service was inspiring from my sisters account. The Reverend speaking in that beautiful way black preachers have about them. His message: Live your life because although you may not make the appointment, you will certainly not miss your appointment with death. We can go at exit 7, 35, 43, or 75. Most often we don't know which will be our exit on this highway of life.

I like that metaphor. I connected with it.

Then my sister told me that she got a call from her doctor. You see, she has been suffering a number of symptoms that concerned her for some time. She confirmed today that she has fibroids on her uterus and is recommended for a hysterectomy.

I was stunned. Happy that it was not cancer or something horrific like that, knowing that this is pretty bad in itself. But this, you can recover from, I am taking comfort in that. Before this, it was my sister who sat online researching what all of her symptoms could mean. Alternately frightening and relieving herself with these attempts at self diagnosis. Now it is me....online finding out what happens during this procedure, what to expect... what is going on?!

Deep breath...

A Journey of 1000 miles....

2008-02-05T20:59:00.000-08:00

begins with the first step. Lao Tzu

This morning at 7am, I was the first to arrive at my polling station. The 70 year old man in charge was still getting his crew of 4 prepared for the voters. Before officially opening, I watched them take an oath to be honest in the process. I was excited. This is the first time in my voting life that I have the opportunity to vote for a truly viable African American candidate, that I support. Obama is certainly not the first African American to run for Commander in Chief of these United States. There was Shirley Chisolm in 1972, Jesse Jackson, Alan Keyes, Al Sharpton (come on now) and Carolyn Mosley Braun have all run for the post. None have reached this phase that Obama has today. In the lifetime of my parents, who lived in segregation, who picked cotton in their youth to make money... they have the opportunity to vote for a Black man for President of these United States. And I love his slogan... "Yes We Can!"

To make it even more interesting, we have viable qualified female candidate. This is like a sea change, a paradigm shift that truly is incredible, and I am so happy to be here, experiencing it.

So I voted. Tears came to me as I drove away in my car... Let's hope it counts.

Walking through the halls at work, I felt lighter...confident.. 'yes I can'...
As I turned the corner, there was a nice looking lady waiting in the lobby area with her computer talking with our director. The director stopped me and said, "Pamela, have you met Sally Ride?" My internal voice screamed "Sally Ride! my goodness, the first female astronaut! I want your autograph!" All of this while externally I smiled, shook her hand and told her how wonderful it was to meet her. That we were so excited to have her on faculty now as Emerti. She was gracious and funny.

A day of firsts to be sure. Of emotions that are difficult to share. Of hope...confidence....historical precedence. A Black History Month to remember.

Today, whatever your political affiliation... I hope you took the time to cast your vote. To help lay the path to the future.

The Power of Dreams

2008-01-21T20:08:00.000-08:00

This is the time of year when the national spotlight is focused on celebrating Dr. Martin Luther King, Black History overall with particular attention to the Civil Rights Movement in these United States. Although it is now a National Holiday, celebrated in each state except Arizona, it really is not a “vacation” day in the traditional sense of how those days are spent.

These days are spent in introspection, retrospection, prayer and celebration. Honoring our ancestors who paid the high price of slavery and oppression. Who fought the terrible fight that we continue today, for freedom. The luxury of the ”majority” population is the convenience of putting whole cultures in a box, boxes that encompass a week or month in which they pay attention, or not, to Black History, Chicano/Latino History, Native American History… But those boxes don’t contain the experiences of any culture, as we live each day pursuing the freedoms and breaking the chains that continue to bind us.

Early this morning, I attended the All Peoples Breakfast in San Diego. A ballroom filled with diversity and love. ..Good humor protest and gospel songs…. Filled with the possibilities of the Dream. The keynote speaker was Odetta, an African American folk singer who Martin Luther King dubbed the “Queen of Folk music” and of whom Maya Angelou said the following:

"If only one could be sure that every 50 years a voice and a soul like Odetta's would come along, the centuries would pass so quickly and painlessly we would hardly recognize time."

She began her speech with the audience joining her in singing “This little light of mine”. And it was a surprise to me how powerful that children’s song is. Her words served as a fresh shot of oxygen for all of our spirits.

Afterwards, I thought it would be a good day to go the movies. I chose the “Great Debaters” to round out my day. As I sat in the theater surrounded by much older Caucasians watching a film that was unapologetic in its depiction of the reality of life in the early part of the 20th century. I felt my own minority status in this place surrounded by people who could have actively participated in these scenes during their lifetimes. In the end my heart was warmed by the response of this audience who stood up an applauded as the credits rolled. I left the theater with my back a little straighter and my head a little higher. Convinced that I can do anything…those before me have paved the way and it is my duty to continue to lay the path for those coming after me.

A renewed spirit. A gladdened heart. A recommitment.

Resolutions 2008...

2007-12-30T21:54:00.000-08:00

On the verge of the eve... anticipating the blessing of a New Year to live, love and make the most of each day I get to spend here on this planet... I list the promises to myself and to my family and friends of being better and doing better. Hokey? Probably. Cliche... most certainly... but still important as it serves as a reminder that change is critical to growth and the metamorphosis continues...

This year I will:
*Meditate and work on my spiritual journey. Pairing with those souls with whom I connect.
*Treat my body as the temple it is. Stop abusing it, with overindulgence of food and/or drink to hide from those emotions that seem too intense at times to bear. (It is so much easier to sleep instead).
*Continue to reach for those goals I have set for myself.
*Never let the opinions and critical actions/remarks of others damage my self esteem or forward motion
*Not have good sex with bad men or bad sex with good men. I will strive to have good sex with good men. Or keep it to myself.
*Not tolerate poor treatment from anyone. I will voice my opinions, position, emotions as I feel necessary.
*Be true to myself.
*Purchase a home
*Surround myself with positive energy as much as possible. When it is not possible I will create that energy myself.
*Not let fear drive my decision making
*Be a better friend, daughter, Sister, Auntie each day

Go 'head.. It's your birthday!

2007-12-10T22:47:00.000-08:00

Yes, it was my birthday last week, and what a fabulous time I had!
There is nothing like spending time in celebration with family and friends....
and it is particularly exciting when the celebration surrounds you! All about that little (or far too big EGO).

Nonetheless, I had a blast.
Friday: Out with the girls. Dinner and a show. Not your traditional show, mind you. This was a "Lips" celebration featuring Cher, Beyonce, and a host of other celebrities. This was a Show in Drag with good food and drink to keep the parties going. I have never seen so much glitter, booty and everything else on men dressing like women, and men becoming women. Fascinating! Cashmere was the waitress for our not-so-rowdy table of 7. A big "girl" with some serious biceps, a lovely personality, and a pretty tight ass. On her days off, she wrestles. But that I am sure, is a very different show.
Throughout the evening while we dined, we were treated to a number of musical vignettes by Queens in various stages on the quest to gain their crowns. By far, the most intriguing was a petit Asian starlett whose skimpy outfits left little to the imagination, though I did wonder how she tucked it in so well. There was no trace.... incredible.
The crowd was diverse but everyone there had at least one thing in common: they wanted to have a good time. The Divas made sure of that... and I have to say, I have never so happy to be called a Bitch so many times in one evening.

What light thru yonder window..

2007-12-02T20:52:00.001-08:00

The week ended for me with exhaustion… I was just tired. Tired of what seems to be the constant crisis management I seem to be in. Most of it centered on people who don’t want to work with one another, who can’t seem behave in a professional manner, who are not fit for the position they are in and are not trying to improve. People. The bane and the life’s blood of our existence. As I walk out to my car, with the rain pouring down and the wind blowing in my face, I try to let go. It is not working. Then I remember what always brings me back to reality. The collapse of the freeways in San Francisco. 5pm, folks rushing home after work…in traffic. Upset about some craziness that they might have been dealing with that day, or week. In the next moment they are crushed by tons of concrete. It’s all gone. See. Works every time. I am happy and looking forward to a great couple of days off.

The weekend starts with an exhale. Peaceful. Meditative. A nice run (both days), a tasty meal and a good book. I thought I would go to the show (movies) with some friends, maybe have lunch. But it turned out I needed to be alone with myself. The weekend ended spending time alone, golfing, cleaning, and purging my closets. Nice. Quiet. Most of my weekends are this way, spent alone

But wait! Is this how I am going to end up spending my weekends until I am 50?! Alone?
No love interest…just my plants, my books, my golf clubs? Really? Thanks to allergies, at least I won’t be filling my home with cats. But will this be all there is? Probably.
Many of the Black women I know are single… raising children alone..living alone..and finding confort and comapnionship in family and a solid network of friends. Focusing on career and other interests. As do I... one of the many single Black women over 35 who will most likely never have a traditional family of their own. And though our lives are full, there is a tinge of what could be missing...immediately followed by the affirmation that nothing is missing at all.

Even still, I am not ready to throw in my cards and cash in my chips just yet.

At least not today.

This picture, taken at the Arc de Triumph, is one that I love. Today it illustrates how I sometimes feel at the thought of things that may lay ahead. At the situations and emotions one must manage in a day. At the tribulations we survive when we did not know we had it in us. Strong. Evocative.

Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-22T09:41:00.000-08:00

It is safe to say, that although we are always thankful and grateful each year when our family gets together for all of these holidays, this Thanksgiving was particularly a blessing. It is a blessing to have both my parents with me... To have my father here, looking healthy again.. eating better and making his same old jokes. After surviving his heart attack, we are so thankful to have him with us this year. And that sentiment permeates through each and every one of my family members. I am Blessed.

How do you make God Laugh....

2007-11-12T21:24:00.000-08:00

This is the beginning of a corny joke that a friend of mine tells every so often. When she tells it, it is like she has just heard it for the first time herself and she can barely get to the punch line without cracking hersellf up. What is the punchline? Tell him your plans...

Well, while I was making plans... trying to figure out my career life, my love life... real life barged in. I called my Mom to check on them, as I usually do. She said she was taking my Dad to the ER because he was having chest pains. 2 hours later... my sister is at the hospital... I am packing... My Dad had a "mild" heart attack and they are keeping him. Angiogram... Angioplasty... I am scared... I am alone... I am on my way home.

Art in Millennium Park

2007-09-20T21:10:00.000-07:00

Art in the fountain.
Over 1000 Chicagonians were photographed, videotaped really. Their heads in a vice. They look at the camera for a full minute, expressing whatever they like. When the minute is up, they purse their lips as if blowing a bubble... what we see at the fountain is a stream of water coming from their mouths... The work of French artist, Jaume Plensa.

Below is "Cloud Gate" by Anish Kapoor..
What is loving called the "Bean"

To your left is part of the music center by Frank Gehry.
Beautiful and strangely futuristic. The concerts in the summer are free, and people gather on a lawn, over which is a web of steel holding a state of the art sound system. The back row, sounds like the front.

View of the skyline...

Into Thin Air

2007-09-19T20:58:00.000-07:00

Birdseye View of Chitown

Views of Chicago from the top of the John Hancock building....
Below thre is beautiful Lake Michigan that goes on forever into the horizion...

View of Navy Pier from above

White City

2007-09-18T20:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am looking at the city lights of Chicago reflected in the ocean they call Lake Michigan. After 3 days of exploring... the city and my inner being... I wish I had more time here. Chicago is beautiful, diverse, eclectic. I love that art is dispersed throughout the city in the most unusual places. At a bus stop. In the planters along Michigan Avenue. Art pops up at you from every nook and cranny. See the beautiful red dress waiting for the bus...

Chicago, once nick named the White City because its tall buildings were white plastered and shone in the sun. One even covered in white marble imported from Europe. After 10 or so years this particular structure had to be completely re-covered, as marble did not stand up well to the harsh Chicago climate. One would not want to be near a building that could shed large slabs of marble from 20 stories....

Next post... Into thin air...

Dolphins

2007-06-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

We all love these graceful, playful sea creatures. Beautiful and friendly.
Research tells us that they are more like humans than previously thought... They, like us, are among the few creatures who have sex for pleasure, they whistle to get each other's attention and communicate... Now it seems that they, like us, have an affinity for recreational drug use.

My favorite news story this week, came from the BBC or PRI radio broadcast.
Apparently, dolphins at play will push puffer fish (blow fish) around until they are so agitated that they puff up. The fish release a toxin, that numbs the nose of dolphin. When the puffer fish relaxes again and goes back to its normal state, the dolphins go at them again...and again..

This story made me laugh and made my day. What could be further from the ongoing tragedies of war and death, crimes and punishment?
Just remember, the commentator reminded, blowfish are poisionous to humans.

Quote of the day

2007-05-28T18:42:00.000-07:00

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

—Audre Lorde, American writer and activist, 1934-1992

Baduizm

2007-05-25T23:17:00.000-07:00

Tonight's musical healing came from the Queen of Healing hip hop...

Erykah Badu took me on a musical journey from the past to present. From fear and conformity to self realization and authenticity. Focused on opening the heart chakra... Try to open yours...

Gore -ified

2007-05-21T20:26:00.000-07:00

Al Gore came to campus today, and it was my every intention to see him.
Unfortunately, when the box office opened with its free tickets to the event, it "sold" out in less than one hour...Over 4000 seats..
Is he a rock star?

No. Better. He is a smart politician with an agenda to literally save the world. What could be more motivating? Our box office did not open until 10am, however, people were in line for tickets as early as 5am. That is commitment.

Still, with no ticket in hand, I had faith that I too, would be in his crowd of supporters.
I tapped into my informal network, and ended up with an usher position in the VIP section of Rimac. Synchronicity.

Al Gore is bigger than life. What surprised me was his knack for stand up comedy. For the first 10 minutes he spoke humorously about his fall from Air force 2 to a rented Ford Taurus. Where was his entourage indeed. After thanking Roger Revelle for teaching him about the importance of global ownership and preservation, and honoring Ellen Revelle's continued support, he moved into his presentation. He asked that the lights be turned down in order to view the slide show. With the lights off, one could focus on the information rather than revel in the awe of his person.

Just as in the movie, the information was horrifying. But his message brought hope and inspiration. His presentation was filled with a passion that I had not heard before. It moved me, touched my core, made me think. Was this how people felt when they heard Martin Luther King Jr. at the pulpit? It had to have been close.

With the crowd roaring "Gore for President"! Stomping their feet in the bleachers, and sending him audible kudos, he left for his next stop on the trail he is blazing toward a renewed environment.

Al Gore and Ellen Revelle look at an item in the Birch Aquarium's new "Feeling the Heat" exhibition.
(Photo / Bob Ross)

Les Nubians

2007-05-17T08:04:00.000-07:00

The middle of the week usually brings with it a mix of excitement, as my weekend is approaching, along with what is often a bit of exhaustion from the work environment in which I am currently enmeshed. This week, however, was different. It brought healing music to my spirit. Good vibrations into my soul...

Enmeshed not in petty office politics, or psychotic attempts at manipulation, or ego driven faculty who view me as their personal Kizzy.... No... for a sweet short time, I was surrounded by loving energies. My psyche soothed by melodies that spoke to my core...

All of this, at my favorite spot in SD... The Belly Up.... with my favorite Sister..

Les Nubians... Merci!

The Beautiful Coast to the North

2007-04-28T00:09:00.000-07:00

Serenity is foundIn an abundant future

The Lone Cypress

My first visit to Monterey..

Hope

2007-03-19T22:39:00.000-07:00

I keep getting the same message lately.
It has come to me in many forms and in many ways. Both deep and intense and light hearted reminders. I do believe in the synchronicity of the Universe. The message: Cherish each moment you have. Cherish those that you love, those that move you. Tell them how important they are.

Just this week, I got this message twice.
The first came from my good friend from college who now lives in Los Angeles.
She called to tell me that her 27 year old sister had a cardiac arrest that kept her
in the hospital for over 2 weeks. She is rehabilitating slowly and may never fully recover.
27. Healthy. Positive free spirit of light.

How do I console my friend? I am lost at what to do. Maybe there is nothing I can do or say, and I know that to be true. But I also know that there is something about the presence of your friend, there when you need her, that can make all the difference in your moment, in your day..in your life.

The second came with a call from my own Sister.
One of her life long friends called to tell her that she is dropping off her 8 year old with my sister because she needs to get to the hospital her brother is in. Her brother is recovering from surgery. Two weeks ago, a relative told her brother that they (their family) may be predisposed to colon cancer and he should start regular checkups. He felt fine at the time but thought that he would go ahead and get it checked out.

Turns out, he had undiagnosed colon cancer and was immediately scheduled for surgery. While the doctors were in there, they spotted 2 lesions on his liver. Two days after surgery, still in the hospital with tubes running every which way, his doctor told him he has about 24 months of life left.

What?
What do you do with news like that? How do you console the patient? The friend? While thanking God that it is not you this time... and please, please don't let it be.
Any one of us could have 24 months and not know it. No tomorrow is guaranteed.

I miss the freedom of childhood.
The unabashed happiness and turmoil that was completely self centered and self absorbing. I miss not having to think about how to greet death, or be friends with uncertainty.

This evening, I participated in a war protest. A candlelight vigil of prayers for fallen soldiers and Iraqi civilians on this 4th anniversary of the Campaign of Shock and Awe. We sang songs of hope heard the names of those lost to the people in the crowd. I was grateful that I did not have a name to recite. That the person I knew serving in Iraq, just came home last month and is okay. But I mourned for those others... I mourn for my friends...
I also hold out hope for them and their families. I hold out my little candle of light in hope.

Black History Month

2007-02-28T21:33:00.000-08:00

This has been a month filled with some trials and many triumphs. This month, I have witnessed a little bit of magic each day, with each Black History month program, and in each of those who participated and supported our efforts.

In this short 28 days, we dined with Hollywood Stars and were enlightened by the shining wisdom of campus alumni who've come back to share the knowledge...To write their names in the books of history.

From right here in our little corner of the world, we traveled. Circumventing the globe through music, poetry, film, dance and the spoken/written word. From Uganda to Europe. From South Central to MidTown USA. We've honored our illustrious history and acknowledged our bright and shining future.

It has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. It has been extraordinarily rewarding on all levels. Each year, I think to myself that I cannot do it this time. I don't have the energy or the time. Then I think of those who went before me. Who never had the opportunity, or should I say luxury, of being "tired". That was not a choice. And I don't have a choice either, because as the path was paved for me, it is my duty to keep laying bricks and pavement for those who come after me to walk on.

Our journey is one rich with culture, family and sincere love.
Forward ever...

30,000 Days

2007-02-06T17:45:00.000-08:00

I'm obsessed! Well maybe just hyper aware... There is a difference... right?
My frequent cruises up to Los Angeles can involve any number of things. Most often it is the beginning of the weekend and I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. There might be some mission to accomplish, like babysitting, taking Mom shopping, a theatre event that only shiny LA can offer.

The trek never seems too long because I am addicted to books on tape and my XM radio.
Last weekend's jaunt was no exception. My mission: Visit Mom and then accompany my Sister to a pseudo Superbowl party. We were only going because this party boasted several very large HD televisions, and Prince was the halftime entertainment. We weren't disappointed. Those 8 minutes of the Purple One in high definition, was well worth it.

On the way home Sunday evening, I pushed the XM button and clicked over to 156... Oprah and Friends. Even I couldn't stand the schmaltzy dialog during whatever "friend" was on at the moment, so I switched to NPR and caught a conversation in progress on the importance of being aware of how we spend our time. Understanding the importance of gratitude. Living in the present and not lingering in the past. (Okay, this may have been kind of schmaltzy too)..

"If you live to be 80 years old, how many days do you think you get?" asked the commentator. 400,000! replied one person...another said 60,000. 30,000 days was the answer. Actually it is really around 29,200.. but it is nice to round up, particularly in with this equation. 30,000 days is not a lot of days to have... in fact, it seems like a really small number. Now wonder we all have a feeling that time is flying..because it is and there is not alot of it.

So how you are spending it becomes the important question. It is like a bank account on those long months when you might cut things close paying your bills. You know how much money you have and what you need to give away... you are focused on meeting your obligations and reserving funds for other needs/wants/desires. Why aren't we so good at managing our time? Not to be more productive at work and make those endless meetings. But how we spend it. What we focus on...

The notion of 30,000 days is helping me realize how often I might allow other people to affect my mood and my outlook. Awareness is good. I choose, and when I can't choose, I determine my response. Focus on making the most of each of however many days I might have.

Harbor sights

2007-02-03T23:56:00.000-08:00

View from the Top

2007-02-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

Today I spent the majority of my time indoors, participating in a retreat for the community Board on which I sit. Part of me was excited because I knew we would get some critical work done during this time, but who wants to be cooped up inside, on a beautiful San Diego Saturday? Pas moi!

After grabbing my Starbucks, I hit the freeway headed downtown to the facility where the retreat was about to begin. It was 8:45 and I was close to being late. Through my sunroof, the tall buildings gleamed in the morning sunshine. I found my destination and elevated to the 13th floor. No triskaidekophobia here. When the elevator doors opened, I was greeted by floor to ceiling glass walls... Ultra modern furnishings right off the pages of the latest Architecture Design magazine... flat screen televisions on far too many walls to be useful. "I want to work here" I thought to myself. Then I walked to the windows and saw the view....

Conversations with Mother... Volume 1 Chapter 1

2007-01-28T20:31:00.000-08:00

Unlike most adult women my age that I know, I speak to my Mother once a day, at the very least 4 times a week. Some think that is a bit much, and they might be right. But I cherish these conversations, even when I don't enjoy them, even when she upsets me. Because I know how lucky I am to have my Mother living, cogent and engaged. I try to get something out of each of our interactions and hold on to it, because I know I will need it, right now.. or someday.

I talk to my Sister just as often. During many of our conversations, we'll gauge the current emotional temperature of our Mother, and whether we should group call. make individual calls or simply remain silent and let whatever flaming embers there are, cool before making contact. We keep each other safe that way.

Today I called Mom because it had been a couple of days since I talked to her, and I just don't to let too many days go by. Today we chatted about a number of things. What I love about these conversations is that sometimes I get pieces of her history that she seldom shares, but come out as she relates a current story.

She told me about going out to dinner with Dean, Dean's ex husband, and their two daughters. All of them are somehow related to us, but I have never figured out that bloodline.
Dean is a long time family friend who divorced her husband a few years ago with the encouragement of her then boyfriend. That boyfriend dumped her directly after her divorce was final. Dean, however, still participates in family activities involving her ex and their friends. Never mind that her ex husband now has a steady girlfriend. Do I hear "Jerry Springer"?

This particular dinner was in celebration of the birthday of the Ex. The time came to order drinks and Ms. Dean ordered wine, telling the waitress that it was for her and her two daughters only. Those are the only glasses the waitress should pour. My Mother was appalled mostly because she has always been so generous with these friends. She immediately copped her oh-so-sidity persona...literally turned her back to Dean as the waitress poured wine in my Mothers glass anyway. "Can you believe that?" my Mother asked me. I said yes. Didn't she remember all the times before when this woman dismissed her in an unfriendly manner only to come later bearing gifts and telling stories of her latest family situation..? "Yes, you are right." Mom says. Then she tells me the following story solidifying that this woman really has never been her friend as she ponders why she's retained her as a "friend". She began......

Your father and I went to a dance on New Year's Eve with Dean and Will (her then husband), and another couple. At one point in the during dinner, close to midnight, they all left and went to a back room where they stayed for quite some time. I was left at the table alone wondering what the heck was going on. Some nice man comes over and asks if he can sit with me until my group came back. He said that he hated to see a beautiful woman sitting alone. I agreed, figuring your father would be back soon, and I told this fellow that my husband should be returning. He said your father should have never left. So he sat and we just chatted. I think he said he was there with some friends of his. Who knows. Right before midnight, he gets up to leave and gives me a kiss on the cheek, which I thought was just sweet. All of a sudden I hear that loud and obvious voice of Dean. She yelled across the room "She kissed him! She just kissed that man!". I was horrified! I could not believe she did that. Your Father just went with it, did not ask me what happened or anything. Just grabbed me by the arm, hustled me outside and called me a slut.
(This my Mother said is another story about my father that I need to know. She'll save it for another time).

I tell my Mom that she should have never spoken to Dean again, what kind of friend would do some craziness like that anyway. She agreed, but said Dean showed up a few weeks later bearing gifts and apologies, saying she did not know what got into her. Like the pattern of an abusive husband this "friend" ebbs in and out of her life, repeating this pattern to this day.
Today, she thinks is the last time. I am not so sure. But what I am sure of is that this woman should know better.

Mother's advice to me in this conversation is to really evaluate my friendships. Determine if people who call themselves friends, actually have my best interest at heart. Look at what they do... I agree and tell her that I indeed do pay attention. "Good" she says. "You know I pray for you ever night, but you have to do your part too".

Yes Mom.. I know. And keep praying for me. I think it may be working....

Capistrano Swallows

2007-01-10T18:14:00.000-08:00

She is like a butterfly, kind of shy
The Lady never beats about, she just sighs
All her men return to her, like Capistrano Swallows..

I was talking on the telephone with a girlfriend of mine this week.
As we chatted about this that and the other, she made a comment about a situation, saying
"it is like going back to an old boyfriend. Never a good idea".

She's right, I think to myself as my mind starts to play the reels of old boyfriends of
mine and if I could consider taking them back.. Which ones would I go back to.. what
am desperate enough to tolerate now that I could not tolerate then? What might not be "so bad" after all?

A better question, is why do they keep calling? After 3 months, one would figure that it is a done deal. But even years later, the calls come.
"How are you?"
"What are you up to?"
"Are you dating anyone?"
"You know I still love you, right? I have thought about you everyday."

Really?
Interesting.
The Lawyer has found God and truly understands, admits and regrets his life as an asshole.
"People can change" he says. Correcting himself, he states that he really has always known God, it was just revealed to him that his behavior is less than acceptable most of the time to most poeple. And now that he is moving to Texas, he figures this a good time to reconnect and let me know that I really am the one he wants to spend his remaining years with...

The Mystic says I just need to realize that I am not contributing what I should, as he is. That I am not open and I am judgmental. If only I understood and accepted things from his perspective things would improve. That although he say things that are hurtful or untrue, he does not mean them to be so, and if I would not project so much of my anger and judgment into what he says and writes, I would allow our love to grow....

The Bully says that he really only loses his temper every 27 years and I just happened to be present at the time. I really should just let it go because we could be so good together. I mean it was only a bar fight in which he attacked someone and attacked me as well. Come on..that wasn't so bad. "Are you going to make this hard on me? Are you going to make me beg?" he asks...

My friend may indeed be right. It is just never a good idea to return to something that was not good for you before. It is probably not good for you now.

2007-01-08T18:11:00.000-08:00

The Beauty of Balboa Park as the sun is setting is truly magnificent. Catching the light in the crevices of that architecture and the leaves of the trees is an art form in itself.

The Bar Scene

2006-12-19T11:08:00.000-08:00

The day began with a bit of trepidation on her part. She really did not want to go out with him and was trying to figure a diplomatic way to cut the ties that really had not been formed in the few weeks they've known each other. But he insisted and she gave in. After all, he is mostly a nice guy. Not really her type physically (big belly, man boobs, etc..), not really her cup of tea intellectually (always talking about his rich friends, his assets, blah, blah blah), but he was kind of funny. Nothing good can come from having low expectations and/or standards.

She drives to his place, hoping to be able to just have a good time and enjoy the day. He greets her amicably at the door, cracking a few jokes and preparing to take her out. “Baby, I am going to show you something you've never seen before. Let's go!” This was intriguing, so she hopped in the car and they drove off into the hills. “Isn't it beautiful up here?” he asked her. “Yes, indeed it is”, thinking to herself that they were just riding up the local neighborhood, big houses, grand cars… but nothing extraordinary. Whatever. They pull into the Resort and stroll to the bar. “Well, what do you think? Pretty amazing huh”. Her mind is stunned. Does he actually think this is the first time she has been to a Resort? That she should be impressed? At this moment, she knows this guy is nothing but hot air and pomposity beyond the pale. Could he be serious? He was indeed. She sat down and ordered a glass of champagne trying to relax into the moment and release her judgment.

Luckily, there were a few other people at the bar who engaged in conversation that made the whole affair entertaining and fun. The bartender talked about his regulars and introduced them when they arrived. All very old, very rich, and very White. But also, very friendly. The three guys to the left made jokes about getting kicked out of a place like this, just yesterday. And the entertainment went on. By the time they left, they were all smiles.

He, still very much wanting to impress her with his diverse tastes, told her that now that she has experienced the best place (right), he will show her his dive bar. “Okay”, she said glancing at her watch, quickly calculating her time of departure as boredom was ensuing fast. They now pull into the parking lot of a strip mall. She admires the ocean view as she exits the car and they stroll on into the dive where is greeted personally by the very interesting female bartender. Hmmm. They sit at the end of the bar and order a drink. The bartender comes over frequently, not to check on their satisfaction, but to tell them bad jokes. Interesting indeed. But she had no idea how interesting this would become.

A few short minutes later, another couple enters the bar and is also greeted personally by the bartender. They chat and talk about impending wedding plans as the bartender flashes her ring. Joy abounds until this couple begins a show that no one could expect. Obviously drunk on arrival, they unfortunately latched on to first couple at the end of the bar. She was wide eyed with disbelief at the scene.

It began innocently enough. A few questions about how long they have been dating and what their plans were for the holidays. After the boisterous pair had a drink, the floodgates were opened. The woman exposed her breasts several times to him, while her husband watched. She then grabbed his penis through his pants. He just laughed and did nothing to stop the assault, maybe because the attention was enjoyable on some level. The woman did not stop. She continued showing her boobs and shaking them in his face. She lifted his shirt and sucked his nipples, amazed that his boobs were so big! He let her feel him up, stick her tongue in his ear while enjoying his drink. She sat, amazed. Not only that this guy was allowing this woman to do these things, but also that the woman's husband seemed to have no problem with it. It went on for an hour. Going from him to her. With her, the drunk woman encouraged some boob exposure, but she declined the offer. You have nice ones, the drunk woman said..you should show them off...

Suddenly, the woman's husband says, “You know, we are being left out of this fun”, and kissed her. Shocked, she stepped back and politely went to the restroom to figure a way out of this crazy situation. Coming out of the bathroom, she sees the woman sucking his nipples again. She says she is hungry and is ready. He said “Hell No! I am about to kick this motherfuckers ass because my friend over here just told me that he kissed you!” The question mark on her face was frozen there. “What?” From there he proceeded to assault the husband of the woman who has had intimate contact with every part of his body. He chased the husband around the bar, cursing and threatening him. She tried to stop him, but he cursed her too, telling her that she was a slut and an embarrassment to him. How could she do that? He asked her in between the string of verbal assaults on her and the husband.

Finally, they leave. She gets in the car with him, as she has no choice if she wants to get back to her own car to get home. Her home seemed so far away at that moment. In the car, he was indignant. Reiterating that she was such a stupid bitch. Hadn't he spoiled her all day? Taken care of her and treated her well? “What the fuck is wrong with you?” he yelled. She did not answer. She had experienced this kind of behavior before and knew it was best to keep quiet. Pulling into his driveway, she clicked the seat belt free and had her fingers on the door handle waiting to get out into the fresh air and back to reality. The tirade did not stop as she walked quickly to her car and jumped in. Before closing the door, she heard something about being a stupid slut, but by then her engine was running and her foot was on the accelerator.

The freeway never seemed so freeing as it did that night. So happy to be out of the grasp of that nightmare, she rolled down the windows and turned up the music in order to drown out the sound of her ringing cell phone. It was him. Once home, she sat and reviewed the events of the day in her mind and was confounded. How did she get into that one. Her cell phone kept beeping at her, making her aware that she had missed calls and unheard messages waiting. Reluctantly, she listened. “Hey stupid. Who the fuck do you think you are? You are nothing but a stupid slut. You Ignorant Bitch! Just so we are on the same page, don't call my phone, I am done. FUCK YOU!” The next message she did not bother listening to, it was more of the same.

The next few days he continued to call. Leaving messages that he would like to apologize. Telling her that next time she should remind him not to get drunk. That she should call him back, there is no need to stop seeing each other over this. She took his initial advice and did not call his phone or return his messages.

She missed most the friends that she made through him. She did not miss his fat belly, or man boobs, or his constant need to try to impress. She did not miss his anger, his temper or his violent tendencies. She just hoped he would stay gone and she would not run into him in any bar, dive or otherwise.

Tides of Change

2006-11-14T21:53:00.000-08:00

This past week has been one of triumph and mourning.

Triumph for Americans and all those we affect. The fall of the far right Republican machine of dis-information, fear factor control tactics, and general crimes against humanity at all levels have been toppled…. But not utterly downstroyed. So still, everywhere there is War.

Let’s only hope that some good will come out of this new regime. That they too will not fall victim to seduction of tyrannical control. Effectively excommunicating those who disagree rather than engaging in a productive dialog for good of the people. Let’s hope that they will not continue to restrict human rights based on a false moral base (Ted Haggard). Let’s only hope for less war on our people, our environment, and our individualism.

Mourning – The passing of Ed Bradley, 25 years of journalistic service and excellence.
Died from Leukemia.

Not Mourning- The death of Pieter Willem Botha. A staunch advocate and supporter of Apartheid and racial segregation. I am not sad that he has left this life. Hopefully he has learned and in the next incarnation he will serve humanity rather than work to destroy it. but who am I to judge...this is only my humble opinion.

Forward Ever… Backward Never

Lawrence Welk

2006-10-29T11:34:00.000-08:00

Golfing yesterday at the Welk resorts in Escondido...
Beautiful, clear, warm day...
4 holes at Par...
Fabulous......

And one Birdie...

Green Eggs and Ham

2006-10-20T21:58:00.000-07:00

After a long work conference in the city, I am glad to pack my bags and head for home.
Even though I know I am walking into an abyss of turmoil, crisis and catch up.

I decided to stop by to see one of my best friends, from way back in the day. No. I am not that old! However we do go back many moons and I don’t see her nearly as often as I should. As a matter of fact, I don’t see a few friends in Los Angeles as often as I should. This is a note to Self.

Just so happens that it is the day after Martha had surgery, and she is craving a bit of company. I buy her a latte and head over. Once we settle into her big comfy couch with coffees in hand, it is time to catch up! We start from the last time we saw each other and work our way forward.. that is our usual pattern. This time was a little different. This time we managed to cover all of the important information that has happened to each of us since last we spoke, but we also traded old buried childhood memories that we’d both prefer soon to forget. We decided we should write a book about it.

20 years of friendship and there were still things we really did not know… still things to reveal. And revelations seems to be a recent theme in my life lately. Martha asked if was seeing anyone yet... had I gotten out there and had a date. I gave her the latest ending with my statement about Karma, and that I must have some real serious Karma to work out in this life when it comes to relationships. What else would explain it? Martha told me that I should really consider freezing my eggs. Not the ones that are in my refrigerator, the ones in my womb.

With increasing numbers of career women finding themselves single and over 30, this process has become the new range. A way to preserve your fertility, your best eggs, for possible regeneration into an offspring should you find the right man, partner, or not. I must admit, that the thought is intriguing. It would take that desperation factor many women begin to display at a certain age out of the equation. Though I don’t think I am desperate enough for this one. The process is expensive (around 10K) and the probability that it will result in a live birth are shaky. However the success rates are getting better as is our technology. Hmmmm…. Not yet. I don’t think. Not yet. I will continue to leave it up to fate or destiny.. be happy being the Best Auntie, which I am... and move forward into the rest of my life...

I do not like them Sam I Am, I do not Like Green Eggs and Ham

More on the subject
http://nymag.com/nymetro/health/features/14719/index.html

A Prayer for Darfur

2006-10-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

400,000 people have been killed since 2003.
That number increases significantly with each passing moment, each passing day.....

We pray for the people of Darfur who have been terrorized and forced from their homes- those who have fled refugee camps, and who still live in fear
We pray for those who have died, and for their families;
We pray for the women in Darfur who face danger every day as they leave their camps for firewood- may You watch over Your daughters;
We pray for the children of Darfur, especially those who face a frightening world without one or both of their parens- may they be protected and comforted;
We pray for the safety of the humanitarian aid workers as they feed and care for the people of Darfur;
We pray for the safety of the African Union's mission in Darfur as they work in difficult circumstances;
We pray that the world's leaders will be guide by You in their quest for justice and safety for Darfur's people- may they be inspired by Your humanity;
Remind us that we are all your children, and teach us to listen;
We pray that those who are causing death and misery in Darfur will turn away from racism and violence- may they be forgiven when they turn to You for guidance instead;
Teach us to rejoice in all the things we have in common and respect each other's differences;
We pray that people everywhere will strive to live in peace, tolerance and respect no matter what their faith or race- may we gain the wisdom, grace and generosity of spirit to overcome our differences and live as one.
-Bishop Desmond Tutu

Visit: <http://www.savedarfur.org/>

It's Alive!

2006-09-17T01:17:00.000-07:00

My ability to feel good seeing myself in the eyes of someone who sees something in me and have that reflected back through my own gaze.

Today was an unusal 24 hours in that I experienced a range of emotions I had no intention on engaging.

This morning I went shopping with a friend of mine at an outlet near Mexico. Wonderful shopping to be had while walking in the warm embrace of the San Diego type of perfect-day-sunshine. A cloud of negativity and sadness blurred my vision when I found that my cell phone... My NEW cell phone.. My new Verizon Chocolate cell phone.. was stolen. What?! I know.. gone. I had not even figured out all of the wonderful things I could do with it before it took its leave. I almost cried. Then I thought of my Sister who just had her car broken into and she lost much more than that. Today she is smiling and moving on. It is just a phone. Whatever.

I came home to get ready to attend the wedding celebration of a good friend of mine and forget about my little woes for a few hours. I did not get particularly dolled up, just respectful and presentable. The wedding celebration for Carolyn was wonderful. In attendance were many of her friends, that blossomed with a diversity rarely seen in San Diego. Every ethnic background, religion, politcal affiliation and sexual orientation was represented! Beautiful. During the ceremony, Carolyn introduced her family who hail from Brazil and now around the globe. If I ever thought Carolyn was gorgeous (and I always do), I now know that it is genetic. Like some people inherit alcoholism and bad teeth, this is a family of beautiful people, both inside and out. She comes by it honestly.

The celebration was filled with love and humor. Good food and conversation. New connections and reconnections. Carolyn introduced her family to everyone in the audience. One by one, those of us hearing the introductions were intrigued by the multifacetedness of this eclectic group. Poets, Scientists, Artists, Writers, Film makers, Environmentalists, Missionaries... I felt I should go home and figure out what I could contribute to the world that could measure up. But in a good way.

That is when I saw full view, her brother Greg. Oh, yes. You are right and I admit it. I noticed him the moment I walked in. Tall, bronze, and so handsome that, like the sun, I could not look directly at him. Carolyn told me I should be sure to introduce myself. Yea. Right. This guy would never be interested in me. So I ignored him. Effectively. Until later in the evening, when Carolyn would not let me leave, I found myself outside chatting away by the dessert table. Greg was there too, chatting with other people. Before long he came over to my little crowd of confidantes and began to speak to one of the guys. It was difficult not to look at him then. Where are my shades when I need them?

Julia came by to grab a piece of cake and chat with us.. and it was then I got the nerve to introduce myself, clumsily sticking my hand out for him to shake as I told him my name. He was very polite and gracious and we talked for few minutes, then parted ways. A cloud of affection crossed my path as I watched him walk away. In the kitchen, helping with the food packing.. I leaned in and whispered to Julia that I was in love. Okay, maybe it is not love, but Wow, it was something! I told her that I knew he would not be interested in me but it sure was nice speaking with him. Julia laughed...telling me how oblivious I am to men who find me attractive, which he apparently did. Now this was too much for my little brain to absorb. Soon after he came over and asked for my number and email address (I proceeded to shake down everyone in the hall for pen and paper..discreetly) so I could give it to him. When I did, he asked me to slip it in his pocket because his hands were wet from washing dishes. I complied, and only hope that I wasn't smiling as big as I think I might have been. (A girl has to maintain some cool). He invited me back to their beach house rental along with a few other people to close the evening.

I could think of no better way to end this evening celebrating love than to have spent it with this group of people. We sat around talking and telling stories, recounting the day for the Bride. We drank coffee and soda..listened to original poetry and reveled in the energy. I sat with Greg and we chatted off and on..he walked me to my car and said that he would be in contact..gave me a kiss on the cheek and a hug as we said goodbye.

I may never hear from Greg again.. but it was a lovely evening and his attention was a gift.

What more need be said?

2006-09-07T23:25:00.000-07:00

Life Lessons

2006-08-10T22:45:00.000-07:00

After an uneventful day filled with frustrations, challenges and some victories, I leave the office anxious to work off a little stress and make some improvements on the golf range. I did both in the light of the setting sun at the Naval Base golf course. "Keep that right shoulder down".. my new mantra.

My friend and I packed up our clubs and stopped to pick up some more golf gear at the market on base. As we stood chatting in the parking lot about the high level of security, making light of what is truly terrifying, if only for a moments peace. A car passes us, beat up and raggedy. The young white men within shouted "Fucking Black Dykes!" We both stopped and looked at each other with expressions that sought to verify what we thought we heard. We then burst out into laughter.. wondering if that was an insult or were they simply expressing a personal fantasy. Great representation of our fighting heroes.
But that is not what this is about...

This is about the message I retrieved from my mobile as I drove off the base and back into the city. It was my best friend Angela. Since college, we have been buds. All she said was "call me when you have a moment". So I rang her. Then my heart sank. She told me that her father died today, and that she was at home trying to wrap her brain around this new reality. I was temporarily stunned into silence. What could I say that would help her at this terrible point in her life? I pulled over. I told her that I loved her and I am here to support her in whatever way she needs me. If she needed company tonight, I will be on the freeway to LA. If she wanted to talk, to cry, to say nothing, I'd be there to listen, comfort and hold the phone. She said she always thought that she would not be able to handle it when this day came. But now that it is here, and she knows her father is no longer in pain, she is okay. The waves of emotion come go but she knows her father is no longer suffering.

This type of enlightenment must only come when you need it for yourself. I still cannot imagine living through the day ..days where my parents pass away. I don't feel capable.. I don't want to be. But, like my friend, when it comes maybe I too will be blessed with the courage and grace that she has shown me tonight.

So that is what this is all about. Life. Friendship. Birth. Death. The things and people that are important to us all. That make our own lives rich with memories. Filled with character.
May our newest Angel rest in Peace....

Donde esta Fidel?

2006-08-09T19:58:00.000-07:00

47 years is a long time to be stuck with anyone... In a marriage, in a job, but especially in the leadership position of governing a communist country (or any country for that matter). Illness has overtaken Dear Fidel to the point where even he must admit that he needs help. What else to do but hand power over to his little brother, the runt, the Destroyer as he has called himself. The drunk, as others have called him. From bad to worse, and that is not easy to do in Cuba.

Our own beloved Bush is preparing avenues to reconnect families that have been unncessarily torn apart for decades. There is some good.. The streets of Florida are filled with celebrations of what is believed to be the beginning of the end of isolation and tyranny.

But there has been some good. Castro started out fighting for the poor in his country. Trained as a lawyer, his grass roots efforts overthrew Batista in 1959.(good) He was prepared to bomb the United States with missiles from Russia. (not so good).

But Fidel is nothing if not a survivor. What is created after he is gone is anyone's guess. After 47 years, I would imagine the opportunity to open borders, participate in free trade, and reunite Cuba with her brothers and sisters around the globe cannot be lost.

Wicked

2006-07-30T00:33:00.000-07:00

What an unexpected weekend.
Filled with family, friends and theatre.. Absolutely fabulous.

The Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles is an amazing venue. Outdoor theatre and music..under the stars and warm summer evenings that make LA sparkle. Make the city and the experience heightened with the addition of incredible music and stellar performances.

The Sound of Music was on the menu this weekend at the Bowl.
An annoying group of elderly white conservatives, who wished to enjoy the show in its pure form with silence in the audience, and the only voices to heard, that of this incredible cast. They obviously chose the wrong show to try to force silence in their surroundings. After many, many "shhhhh's" blown out in a mean spirited manner, they were overtaken by those of us who were simply overtaken by the sound of familiar music. All around, the crowd sang in unison with the company "Doe, a deer, a female deer; Ray, a drop of golden Sun. Me, a name I call myself. Fah, a long, long way to run. So, a needle pulling thread. La, a note that follows Sooo. Tea, a drink with jam and bread. And that brings us back to... "Shhhhh!" Doe, oh, oh, oh... None could restrain themselves and it was marvelous..
Until midnight, in the humid evening, I sang with a group of friends that filled the Bowl with the sound of music.

Tonight, I found a new personal mantra, as I sat, starry eyed in the Civic Theater, watching the back-story of the Wizard of Oz. Wicked, is fantastic. Surprising. I was Awe struck in the detail of what may have been missing in the familiar tale we thought we knew, and most certainly love. Your understanding, as did mine, of this favorite is shredded to bits and rebuilt, bigger and better than before.

I, too, will Defy Gravity! Join me...Be Wicked!

Sigh...

2006-07-17T00:33:00.000-07:00

Is what I say when I think of the fabulous weekend I had.. and of the week to come....

It has been so hot and humid lately, that I am making an effort just to keep my energy up.
No air-conditioning at work... None at home... So I spend as much time as I can in front of the one fan I have for my apartment..and the one, dusty, old fan I have at work. Living on the second level of my apartment complex only exacerbates the heat.

Saturday.. I ran a few errands. After which, I did my best not to move. I read, I slept, I drank water... Miserable.

Sunday, I was anticipating more of the same.
Fortunately for me it did not turn out that way.
Instead I went for a lovely bike ride around the ocean and the bay early this morning. Before the heat set in. Watching the waves, and the waves of people, filled me with inspiration to do more.
So I went to a Padre game today too. One the best I have seen in a while. The Padres played the Braves..and the Braves kicked our ass. Oh well. It was still a blast! I

When I came home from that, I thought I was done and could start preparing the workweek.
However, a friend called and we ended up at the movies. Fine with me because it got me back out of my still too hot living room.

Now I am back.. it is late.. and I want to do some work, but I really want and need to sleep. The heat is not cooperating with either of these goals of mine, so I toss and turn and turn the fan up higher..move it closer... Wait a bit impatiently for sleep... happy for the weekend as it was…

Sigh...

Debbie Downer

2006-07-16T16:34:00.000-07:00

My mobile phone is ringing. Again. I look at the number and see that it is Debbie. I click the side button to stop the noise and send the call to voice mail. I grab my keys and run out the door heading for some cool relief from what seems to be record heat and humidity in San Diego. The air conditioning in my car feels extra wonderful as I turn up the music and drive to the cinema to extend my escape into the cool air, while watching the Devil Wears Prada. No, this is not a movie review.

After a blissful two hours engulfed in air conditioning so strong it gave me a chill, I’m back out in the heat. On the way home, my mobile rings again…. It’s Debbie. Guilt makes me take the call and I am immediately sorry that I did.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friend Debbie. I think in some ways she has it all… Single, great home that she is upgrading, cool job. But like many of us single girls in the city, we are still looking for that special someone. Debbie has had a special someone for almost 20 years. A very handsome white man with whom she’s had an ongoing relationship over these years. Problem is, for most of these years this man has been married. And during these years, he and his wife had 3 kids.

Suddenly… It always seems to be sudden, but it never is… He and his wife got a divorce. Debbie was not surprised really, and admitted to me that she was a little excited at the possibility that was now open. Maybe now they could be together openly. Maybe they could actually begin to build their lives together. She loves him. He loves her too in his own way. Unfortunately, his way of loving her now is no different from his way of loving her while he was married.

So now my conversations with her have become counseling sessions on the topic of “Why does he do me this way”, and this call is no different.

“Hello”, I say to her. “What’s going on?” I say trying to be extra happy. It did not work. Her voice was drawling as she told me that she was not doing anything. She was just going to watch movies and sleep because the heat was a little much. “Sounds like a plan”, I tell her. “Call me if you want to go out somewhere later when it cools off”. She says she will, and I think we’re done for now. Then she says she has a question. “What is it”?
Debbie then tells me that she is upset because her now divorced lover has told her that she has an open invitation to come over and use his pool. Today she called him and said she wanted to come over, get in the pool, and get into him. He told her that was not a good idea today, because his ex-wife is coming to pick up the boys, and it would be a scene if she were there as well.

Insulted and hurt, she asks me what I think about that. I told her I really did not know. I know that her feelings are hurt and that she wants something different from a man who is not going to give her what she needs which is a loving committed relationship. That he will make her feel special, desirable… She gets upset when he calls in the middle of night to request her company…but she always goes to him. She gets upset when he disses her privately to speak to his ex-wife, see her or be with people. We’ve spoken for hours about why he never says that he loves her, why he never does those “little” things that mean so much. Things that she does all of the time…Cards for his birthday, special surprises to make him smile and maybe slip and declare his love. None of this comes in return.

So what do I say? She is a smart woman. A beautiful woman. A tormented woman.
A woman who will continue to be depressed today. Who will sleep and self medicate until she feels better, or until his ex-wife leaves and he calls to request her company.

Ring... He called. She's headed over and is all smiles again. She's going swimming...

Snoop Dogg

2006-07-10T21:48:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking along a trail in the city. It was funny because as I walked along, through the trees, blithely kicking sticks out of my path, I realized that I had forgotten to change clothes. I was still in the costume I wore to the party earlier. With my white pants and pink top and butterfly wings firmly attached to my back. After a fleeting moment of panic, and figuring I was at that point in the journey where it was just as far to go back as to move forward, I continued to stroll along. Smiling to myself at the thought of what might be going through other people's heads as they ran across me. Oh well....

It was just about that time when I knew I was not alone on this particular trail.
As I turned down the path and turned my head in the direction of steps, the face I saw coming my way was familiar. A stranger to me, but someone I knew. Mr. Dogg himself. He had no posse, it was just him and me. He was much nicer and more approachable than I would have thought. I did my LA thing of simply ignoring famous people when and if you ran into them. (It assures them the opportunity to pretend they are normal, and you, the un-celebrity, to pretend you couldn't care less).

But he spoke to me and actually walked with me. While we walked out, I felt as if my wings could actually work. I felt them flutter at my back. Snoop noticed and said that was nice get-up I had on. Could be a little fantasy butterfly. As the blush left my cheeks, we winded the path that led toward the beach and headed down. All of a sudden there was this huge noise in the water. We saw what looked like a big wave, then the tail of a whale flung out of the water and back down again. We were both speechless.

We stood there watching for the whale again when instead we saw the slow rising of a submarine in synch with the arrival of a military helicopter. "Run!" I shouted. Snoop grabbed me by the collar as tried to make my way back up the hill, wings fluttering. I told him to hurry. That I thought I could fly us both away from there.
Snoop Dogg insisted that we just go up the way we came down. No need to use my little wings. We'd be fine. He grabbed my hand and we strolled up the hill and back to our original path, helicopter blazing in the background noise.

Then I woke up.

Synchronicity

2006-04-16T01:18:00.000-07:00

I am one of those who tend to believe in the synchronicity of the Universe. That there is an over-reaching interconnectivity in our lives. Often messages we need to hear come to us from unexpected sources at unexpected times.

During one of my lonely, pseudo depressed stages (Probably more dramatic than I need to be here) after having listened to the on-going complaints of several staff members, writing warning letters for another employee, trying to figure how to coach yet another into a more professional and organized state of being for her own sake… I took a walk.

I ended up at the campus bookstore and decided to spend a few minutes flipping through some of the popular glossies. As I stepped inside, I ran into a friend and colleague of mine, I'll call Olga. I like Olga for many reasons. The main reason, however, is that she is a citizen of the universe. Olga is a mature white woman of distinct European descent, with a fabulous accent. She has worked on campus for many years and has carved out her own niche. The University has a number of staff associations geared toward specific groups. For example, there is the Black Staff Association, The Pan Asian Association, the LGBTA group, Chicano/Latino Staff Association, even the European Association. Okay, that last one does make me giggle a bit. Whenever I hear it, I think of the old bit in which the child asks the Mother, why isn't there a “children's day” like there is a “mother's day”. And the Mother answers, “Everyday is children's day”. It seems the whole of society is the European Association. But I digress….

Back to Olga and synchronicity.

What I love about Olga is that she is on the board and actively participates in almost all of these associations. She chairs events with Black Staff group, is out cooking with the Pan Asian organization, marches with the Chicano/Latino group, etc. She refuses to be placed in a box. Fabulous!

When I see her in the bookstore, I ask how her what is new and how she is. She said she was great and told me about the weekend cross-cultural celebration she attended. She asked how I was doing and what was new with me. I heard myself give her my far-too-regular answer of “oh not much, just working..nothing exciting.”

Olga picked up my hand in hers and said “Oh no. There must be more. Not just working and nothing new. You know, last week, I ran into a co-worker I had not seen in a while. During our chat in the elevator, I asked her how she was. She said just busy, working, working away. I made a date to get together with her for some tea the following week. Well, it turns out she that she died of a sudden heart attack 3 days later. 39 years old, no children and caretaking a parent. Life is too short”, Olga said. “Tonight, when you go home after work, do something. Go out with some friends, see a movie, do something new.”

As she was speaking, I knew that I was supposed to hear this story. It touched something in me. The timing was impeccable. Why am I moping around when I have so much to be grateful and thankful for? Why am I still thinking of a relationship 6 months after it's own abrupt death? Life is short and you don't get any of these days back if you don't use them well.

I am trying hard to use them all well.

The Great Wall

2006-02-05T08:37:00.000-08:00

Even beautiful barriers like this. Long and high enough to be seen from space.. Are not enough to separate humans from one another for too long.

Corretta Scott King

2006-01-31T09:00:00.000-08:00

In October we said to goodbye to Ms. Rosa Parks.

Today, just a few short months later, we salute Corretta, the wife a King, and a leader in her own right. It is saddening to watch the leaders of such a major era in our history, Black history leave us. But they have not left us alone. We have their legacy, their strength to continue the fight for civil rights and justice.

Forward Ever. Backwards Never!

One is the Magic Number

2005-12-02T09:54:00.000-08:00

No hay nadie mas que yo,
Uno es el numero magico
En vida y en muerte,
Uno es todo
Comprende

If I multiply 2 times 2 is it really, really 4 me

And if I add 5 to get 9 minus 8 that just leaves me

So many times I define my pride
Through somebody else's eyes
Then I looked inside and found my own stride,
I found the lasting love for me
If I'm searching for my spirituality
Passionately I must begin with me

There's just me...
One is the magic number

If I add myself unto myself multiplied times
You and yours and you again
There's just me
And if I divide 8 billion, 48 trillion, 98 zillion
There is, there is just me
If I subtract one plus me to the 5th degree,
Use any theorem
There's just me

There's just me...
One is the magic number

Me, me, me, me...

~Jill Scott

Saying Goodbye

2005-10-31T12:08:00.000-08:00

Bidding a fond farwell to the spirit of Ms. Rosa Parks.
Knowing that the fight she participated in is still in progress. ..
We are all part of the continuing struggle for freedom, peace, and liberty.
For EVERYONE.

Lucy Mae

2005-10-17T09:10:00.000-07:00

In the early morning hours… Around 3am when the moon was full and the storm clouds opened up with the gift of rain… My aunt Lucy took leave of this plane of existence.

As sad as I am, as much as I will miss her and mourn her passing, I know she is finally free from the cage of suffering that was once her strong, vital and beautiful physical self. I know that she was tired.

Growing up in Louisiana, in 1930's, one of the surviving female children in a brood of 10… She became a caretaker early on in life. She took care of her brothers, helped her mother until she passed, and participated in all the domestic activities put upon young women at that time. But hers was a special lot, because she was also a young black woman. Fair skinned and fair tempered.. Mostly… Aunt Lucy made a life of taking care of people. It became her calling and she was extraordinary at it.

Her youngest brother, my father, did not make her days easy. Daddy was always getting into trouble and Lucy Mae was always getting him out of it. Although sometimes there was just no hope. Because Daddy was the youngest and Lucy cared for him the longest, their bond was tight, and remains so.

Lucy's childhood was rudely interrupted by marriage at the age of 14. She married Howard, a much older man and began her life as a wife and mother. Moved from Louisiana to California, right around the corner from her little brother, she lived, loved, laughed and went to church every Sunday.

Though I miss her terribly… I know that she is finally at peace.

Resting after raising five children…
-Working two and three jobs at a time to make ends meet
One of my favorite memories of being with her and my cousins was going with them on Friday and Saturday nights to help clean the corporate building (one of her jobs). I was always so excited when she would let me tag along with them, because it meant I could stay up late and be with my cousins. We would pile into her van and head out to the building around 7:30 at night. After arriving, she would give each of us a job to do: dusting, trash duty, bathrooms, mirrors floors. We were armed with cleaning gear and gloves and headed to our respective duties.

Being kids, of course this was fun. We may have a hard time cleaning our own rooms, but cleaning offices was different. Once we were finished, we would run around the building playing “Office”. Pretending we worked at this company.. talking on the phone to each other, giving orders. Aunt Lucy would finally tire of the ruckus and round us up (grabbing ears if she had to) for home by 11:30. We would be exhausted and smelling of pine sol and Windex, from having so much fun.

She is resting after sixty some years of marriage… to one man.
-Does that even happen anymore? No one stays married to the same person that long these days. And I know for a fact this is was not easy. My uncle was and is a strong willed, 6ft 4 man who ruled his roost. Or at least that is what he thought. As handsome and mean as my uncle was, my beautiful aunt, petite next to him, went toe to toe when she had to. Aunt Lucy had a wicked smile. Soft and sweet. Gentle as a little butterfly. Then suddenly it would change..the smile would still be there but gentleness would be all but gone.

Now she is free…
No worry, no pain, no need to take care of everybody else.

Well, maybe that is not true. Because the thought that helps me keep it all together, is knowing that she is now one of our guardian angels. Still taking care of all of us…

Katrina

2005-09-07T08:09:00.000-07:00

The etymology of this name points to royalty, but it also points to torture. We are undoubtedly in the midst of the torture Katrina has wrought. A natural disaster of unspeakable destruction, in line with the Tsunami in Asia...maybe worse. If that is possible. Cities filled with people left to survive or die on their own. Federal responses that reek of race and class discrimination at worst, and simple unpreparedness in the face of critical warnings at best.

For the survivors..... For the victims.... For my family...

I, too sing America
I am the darker brother
They send me to eat in kitchen
When company comes,
But I laugh,
And eat well,
And grow strong

Tomorrow,
I'll be at the table
When company comes.
Nobody will dare say to me
"Eat in the Kitchen"
Then.

Besides,
They'll see how beautiful I am
And be ashamed~

I, too, am America

What Stress can do

2005-08-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

No surprise to anyone that stress can really mess you up.
Six months on the job, dealing with an unbalanced staff..
and handling the rest of your life, will send anyone to the ER...

Barbara Cross

2005-08-01T18:53:00.000-07:00

Barbara Elizabeth Cross
Feb. 21, 1942 - July 20, 2005

They say that when you see a date like this... it is important for you and for the person it represents to understand that neither of the dates listed are as critical and important as the dash in the middle. It represents an entire lifetime.

I met Barbara when I got my first job at University. She was the first to embrace me with warmth and welcome. I remember she said "I'll show you the important things that everyone will forget to tell you, like where the bathrooms are.." We giggled. She not only showed me where the bathrooms were, she showed me how to be good friend and co-worker. Barbara may have been physically frail, but her spirit was strong. She had come through a lot in her lifetime, but she continued each day to make it better for herself, her family and her friends.

Since that first job, I have moved around quite a bit... And even though I was no longer in the same office with Barbara, even though we did not speak every day...she was still my friend, and when we did see each other we picked up where we left off. Through all of that time, Barbara always managed to find me so she could send a birthday card my way. I am going to miss that card this year. Not as much as I will miss her spirit.

Rest in Peace

Murphy Brown

2005-07-17T20:44:00.000-07:00

You remember Murphy Brown, don't you?
I loved this show because I thought it was funny, smart and politically interactive with what was happening in government and news at the time it was on air. There was the on-going feud with Dan Quayle, who is about as intelligent as our current chief. (Thank goodness they did not run on the same ticket! Can you imagine?)

Well, “Murphy Brown” is now my new nickname and it cracks me up. How did it come about that I would have this pseudo moniker? Think of all of Murphy's secretaries… most of them suffering some sort of mental disability.. A few who actually were good but simply could not tolerate her. To some degree, I suffer from the Murphy Brown Syndrome.

As I have climbed the career ladder, I have been given an increasing number of employees to supervise. This is truly invaluable experience because I can imagine few other ways in which you are constantly tested by any number of people who either seek your ultimate demise or are completely ambivalent. In each position I have held, I have inherited a “personnel problem”. Of course, I am not the only one who has these issues, I simply have had them more consistently, or maybe not.

In any new situation, I understand that people will have a problem with me as their “boss” (I really hate that word), as their supervisor, so I am not expecting any red carpet treatment, and rarely do I receive it. Actually, I have never received it.

Currently, I have Evilina as my receptionist and she is hell-bent on making my life miserable. But I won't have it. What she and others don't know about me is that behind the friendly face and desire to make good, lurks a woman who has the capacity to rip your entrails out and serve them to you for lunch. Let's hope it does not come to that. However, Beulah the Bitch (my alternate ego for this particular situation) is on her way. Once she arrives and takes residence, there won't be much that can be done to deter her.

Hold on, I hear a knock at my office door.
Uh oh.. Gotta go. It's Beulah and she has her suitcase.

Implicit Association

2005-06-23T11:32:00.000-07:00

Here is a great tool to check your own biases... Find out what you really think...

https://implicit.harvard.edu/implicit/demo/selectatest.html

41 Years to Justice

2005-06-23T11:22:00.000-07:00

Almost the totality of my lifetime thus far

41 years…
41 Bullets…
There is some magic to the number 41 when it comes to doing right and doing wrong with People of Color in these United States.
(And by the way, I happen to love my country!)

1964 brought many things… among them the hurricane force winds of change. Civil rights for those who have been repressed, oppressed and depressed through a systematic governmental doctrine of inhumanity.

A particular 3 men, two Jewish and one African American joined the Freedom Riders to make a difference. To effect a change. That opportunity was snatched as each of these young men was brutally and purposefully murdered in cold rigid blood. On the whim of men who thought they had the right to take another human beings life. Men who did so and walked away to live out the rest of their days content and satisfied to have eliminated what they considered to be human vermin. The families of those young boys have been left a lifetime of suffering and loss.

I am somewhat amazed that during the first trial, in 1967, an all white jury was hung 11-1 in favor of conviction. That “1” could not convict a preacher. Obviously a reverence no longer held for those who inhabit the Preacher/Priest roles in our society today. My mother had a saying about that, “The devil always has a front row seat in church on Sunday”. It is a great disguise. But I digress…

Today this unrepentant Klansman of 80 years was sentenced to 60 years in jail -20 years for each life. Although the judge who imposed the sentence “took no pleasure” in it, I must say that I do. I am glad that he will live out his remaining bitter and painful days in a prison of his own making. Much like the graves he and his friends dug for the men they planned to kill. Finally. I recognize that these words are written with an unforgiving heart… I am just not that enlightened yet.

Chaney Schwerner Goodman

I hope this is not viewed as a closure. Ending a painful chapter of American history. This is just the beginning. My hope is that all of those who participated in the lynchings, mutilations, burnings, public humiliations, taking body parts of the Men, Women and Children they tortured and murdered, be made accountable for their crimes. Is that too much to ask in the land of the free? Forget my 40 acres and a mule (which they did), give me justice.

Empty Nest

2005-06-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Single in the City means a lot of things. It means that you are truly free to come and go as you like. But you are probably so busy with work and family that you end up in as much of a routine as married soccer Moms may find themselves. Granted, if this happens you do have the option to run away and do your thing without having to get permission or find a good babysitter.

If you have not guessed, I am single. And I have found myself in a bit of a routine between work and home that is making me feel the need to shake it up…. A lot! But there has been a part of my routine that is now changed forever. Usually getting into work before 7am and home after6, I hop in my car and tool home, ready to relax. As I climb the stairs from the underground parking lot, mumbling to myself about the highlights or lowlights of the day, I begin to hear the cacophony of children at play. Laughing, screaming, and running around. At the top of stairs I turn the corner, headed to my apartment, I enter the fray.

“My” kids are an international group of 4-5 depending on the day. Korean, Indian and European American. They always stop and surround me as I make my way to my front door. Sometimes they would chase me up the stairs and I would have to tickle each of them, leaving them in piles of laughter as I ran to the door and closed it before they collected enough strength for another onslaught. The closing of my front door usually ended the game until the next day. But not always. Sometimes it continued with knocking and running away when I opened the door, or pushing their way in only to be chased back out again.

When they weren’t chasing me, or trying to tickle me, or hanging onto my bags as I ascended the stairs, they would stop and ask me questions. My main interrogator was 5 year old Charlie. He was very curious and not at all shy about getting the information he felt he needed. He would ask: Where did you go today? What do you do at work? How long are there? Are you going tomorrow? How about on Saturday? What is in your bags? Do you live alone? Why? How come you are not married? How old are you? Where is your Mom and Dad? Are you a baby? The list goes on…and on. I think Charlie is going to be a journalist or writer someday. He patiently waited for an answer to each of his questions and he thoughtfully took aim for the next.

Two weeks ago Charlie told me he is moving home. I asked him where. He said home to Korea. I looked at my little friend and told him that I was going to miss him very much. He smiled and said okay. About 20 minutes later, there was a knock on my door. I looked through the peephole and saw nothing. The knocking continued. I opened the door and it was Charlie. He said he would miss me too and gave me a hand written note that explained it all. I was his friend. I gave him a big hug and thanked him. 10 minutes later, there was another knock on my door. It was my little Charlie. This time he gave me a picture he’d drawn of me and him.

Early on a Saturday morning, I was awakened from sleep by people making quite a lot of noise for 5:30am on a weekend. I peered out of my window and saw that it was Charlie and his family moving out. I watched for a minute then got up to make some coffee.

Now when I come home after work, there are no children playing. No one chasing me up the stairs hoping I will tickle them, no one asking 20 questions about my day and my life. And I miss them. Especially Charlie.

The M Word

2005-06-16T22:00:00.000-07:00

Isn’t funny, this feeling inside….?
I am fascinated by the thoughts and ideas of those around me..Particularly on the topic of Love and Marriage. For many women I know they really don’t go together like a horse and carriage. .

Western society has its traditions and mores that most of us unconsciously conform to without much question. A marriage is between a man and a woman. This concept is now being challenged and we are bristling under what we think are moral issues, when in fact they are simply the pains of evolution. Moving to a higher level of understanding. We will move to a place where marriage is the union of two people in love. Between men, women, black, white, brown and yellow. Remember when “miscegenation” was illegal? Technically it probably still is on the books in some states as an act against the system. Thankfully our system is dynamic and growing as we grow.

But what about the union itself? I am having more frequent discussions with people about the whole idea of marriage. R. who married late in life at age 44 thinks the institution is archaic. Granted, she is still married to her “first husband”, a man she has known for most of her life. And she is happy. I think. But she does opine on what would be better alternatives. As we sit in our little bar that we congregate in after work on Fridays, I listen to her thoughts.

For her an ideal union is no union at all, at least not on paper. If she were Queen, people would have serial relationships that involve no paperwork, no legal commitment. One could have a partner, and if one happens to meet someone else interesting one could spend time with them as well. There is no requirement to live together or for the symbolic jewelry. You would have the freedom to design your own relationship(s) as if best for you.

Intriguing. However, I do know that I am not evolved enough to participate in this society. For very long.

Another Queen-Dom would have it so that you would find your mate, marry, produce offspring and really be able to keep that spark of love alive for a lifetime.

Now this is more in line with my own Hollywood brainwashed fantasies. And if you marry late enough in life, but not too late, you may be able to pull it off.

My ideas, however, are bit more tame. Probably somewhere in between the extremes of finding a guy you can do whatever you want with (or without) and the "Untrue" Hollywood story. Just marry the man I think I want to spend my life with. Create a life together that we enjoy. Be sure to have a space in my house that can serve as a personal sanctuary. My getaway. Laugh. Fight. Make up. Make Love. Travel.

I admit that I do not want to live alone forever. I have been on my own my entire adult life. The thought of change is frightening and exciting….but it can also be good. With one caveat:
Never love anyone more than you love yourself.
My mother’s advice… I follow it..

What is your ideal?

911 What is your emergency?

2005-05-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

Caller: I am calling because a woman was just injured at the café I am sitting in and she might need medical assistance.

Operator: What is the emergency?

Caller: We were sitting outside at tables with umbrellas overhead, and it became a bit windy. The wind blew over one of the umbrellas and it hit an elderly lady on the head. She does not look good.

Operator: What? Why would someone hit an old lady on the head with an umbrella?

Caller: No. You don’t understand. Picture a patio with a table and chairs. Now picture a table with chairs, the table has a hole in the middle of it. A giant umbrella is placed in the hole in table in order to provide shade for those who sit at that table.

Operator: Oh I see. Now are you saying someone took that table umbrella out of the hole and hit the lady on the head?

Caller: (exasperated now) No! The WIND blew the umbrella over and the umbrella hit the lady on the head!

Operator: Hold on. You have the wrong department.

New Operator: 911 What is your emergency?

Caller: Sigh… We were sitting outside at tables with umbrellas overhead, and it became a bit windy. The wind blew over one of the umbrellas and it hit an elderly lady on the head. She does not look good.

Operator: Okay, is she conscious?

Caller: Yes, but not responding verbally.

Operator: We are sending someone over.

Caller: Thank you!

Paramedics arrive and sit at the table with the injured elderly lady. They question her and assess her injury. After 20 minutes, they decide she will be fine and move to leave. The caller at the café asks one of the paramedics about calling 911. “Why was it so difficult to get help for this lady”? Paramedic tells the caller it is because the caller used her cell phone. Anytime there is a 911 call from a cell phone it is automatically directed to Highway Patrol as it is thought to be a traffic incident. Once they determine that it's not related to traffic, they re-route the call to regular operators.

Make a note to yourself…Calling for help that is not traffic related from a cell will delay your response time. In the meantime, pray that you will never need to make that call...

Crabs in a Barrel

2005-05-24T22:00:00.000-07:00
I know you have heard that saying before. Referencing the sad fact that some people are just like crabs in a barrel. What happens when you catch crab and put them in a bucket or barrel, their survival instinct turns on and some of them will try to escape, try to climb out of that situation back to freedom. The crabs below see that and having no hope for their own survival or escape, they pull those freedom seeking survivalists back down into the mire with them. Some people are like those crabs… unfortunately, some people I know are this way. Thankfully not many…

Exhibit A
Black Woman is offered a promotional position and accepts. Soon thereafter, she finds out that one of her colleagues, dare I say “friends” was in competition with her for this position. Woman tells her friend (who is also Black) the exciting news looking for celebration. Instead her friend tells her that she is not really qualified for the position and the only reason Woman got this offer is because they were looking for a certain “image”. Not because of any particular gift or talent or level of experience. Woman is not really qualified according to friend and the offer should have gone to her. Even though Woman has worked for 15 years climbing and reaching for something better. Went back to school to earn her MBA. Something that the friend had not done, yet feels superior.

Little crab in the barrel pulls down on the little crab leg of one climbing up on its own hard work and effort.

Exhibit B
Black Woman, who has earned her PhD and now works with high level administrators in an education setting, uses the Dr. title that she has earned. What audacity! Black colleague in association with other non-Black colleagues demean and denigrate Black Woman behind her back. They ask themselves and each other, “Who is she to demand that we address her as Dr.?” “What did she get her degree in anyway?” “She must think she is special when all she really is a secretary or something”. “She is just a stuck up bitch, or should I say Dr. Bitch”.

Insidious.

Rather than rejoicing in the success and achievements of others, these people sit comfortably in their corners passing judgment and defiling character. They go to church every Sunday praising their Lord, so they can start fresh on Monday with new deeds to commit against those in their path. All the while they smile and have coffee with you, asking how they can assist, give you a hand. Never take the hand of a “crab”.

East meets West

2005-05-11T05:51:00.000-07:00
Ouch. I thought to myself. “They said this would not hurt”.

Okay. I am going to slide another in. Now let me know if it stings. It should ache, but it should not sting or really be painful. Let me know if anything is uncomfortable for you.

Actually, this entire experience is just a little uncomfortable. New…and admittedly a bit exciting But I tend to like new, exciting and sometimes uncomfortable things. Isn’t that why I keep taking new jobs? Where I am miserable at first, then excited at all I think I am learning..then ultimately bored and looking for something else. Isn’t that why I do strange things like bungee jumping? Whitewater rafting? Camping in the wilderness? Dating men from Africa? Driving in LA?

Okay. That one did not hurt…but it does ache. Now I feel it. Is that good? Or does it mean I have lots of work to be done? More likely the latter. My mind is going a million miles a minute. She said to try and relax. Here on this table, in a medical gown, needles protruding from my arms, legs, feet. I am trying not to move so that I don’t jiggle the needles further into my skin. Breathe. I must keep breathing.

Actually, this is not so painful. I mean I do feel it, but it doesn’t hurt per se. She has left the room now. Left me to my own thoughts..feelings. When she left, she told me to go to a place that relaxes you and makes you feel good. I did. The first place that came to mind was a Sunday morning in bed with Harvard… Cool and breezy… relaxed and just being together under the covers, talking about our families..our future. Cracking jokes and just being together with no pretenses. It was wonderful. That is where I was when suddenly I started crying, What the heck was this all about? I am in good place in my mind. It must be these needles. But how? Whatever..it is passing now.

When she returns I realize that I have taken my mind to a different scene. The beach at sunset always seems to work for me and it did again. When she spoke, she told me that she did a journey on me. Huh? Well I am a Shaman as well, she says. You gave me permission to do a journey on you, remember. I did. She said she lifted a block from my chest and from my back. Maybe that is why I cried. I had a burden relieved without my knowledge. She twisted the needles and chatted with me while. Umph. I felt the twists.
But now I was focused on the journey. She asked me about a fire. Was I involved in a fire when I was young? Not that I know of. “How about your mother? Maybe when she was pregnant with you?” Hmmmm. Good question. I will ask. She said I should, but it could also be symbolic.

Dressed now and talking about my first experiences with acupuncture and Shamanism, she tells me that this is where it gets to be fun. I get to be my own detective. To search for reasons why this asthma has gripped for a lifetime. Was it that my soul was not ready to come into this life? Stifled … Oppressed. Repressed.. Or was it simply allergies that manifested into a disease?

How do you feel?
I feel lighter, I said. Good. Let’s schedule your next appointment.
I am not sure how this will make a difference in my life…my daily living, but I know that it will. It already has. If nothing else, this is one of the most positive environments I have been in of late. My acupuncturist gives positive feedback as she slides those needles under my skin. I feel valued and important. Someone has recognized something good in my being and has let me know.

That in itself is making a difference

Weekend Buddha

2005-04-22T13:15:00.000-07:00
Friday-noon are becoming two of my most coveted words to put together. Mostly because it represents time I will have for myself. To myself. Unless, of course, a family member requests my presence to which I rarely say no. Not out of some obligation (okay, on occasion), but mostly because I usually am in dire need of that intense Love I can get only from them. It can wash away all of the negativity, stress, concern and worry that I have allowed to be heaped on my shoulders. One giant hug from my niece sets me on a better course.

On this Friday afternoon, I am working on company concerns that will need to be addressed early next week. Meetings that I am not particularly looking forward to, but I know they are interactions that will help me grow as a manager and advocate. I am finding this role as manager possesses a duality that I could not see clearly before. You are there to represent employees as well as employer while keeping everyone satisfied. A true impossibility and a balancing act that many have proven successful. My outcomes are still to be determined.

The weather is cooperating with my mood. I want to stay in… watch movies..relax on the couch and eat ice cream. It is so much easier to do that when the skies are gray and rain is moving in. But I can't be lazy! I still have to prepare for the coming week's mission in the midst of these two days. Weekends are never long enough! And bringing work home interferes with my Zen practice of living in the moment. Always thinking about and anticipating the future. And so it goes…

Here's to your weekend, and to mine! Whatever we get into, whatever comes our way, may we enjoy it in the moment even as we plan for all of the moments we hope to have in the future!

Stepping out on Faith

2005-04-13T14:35:00.001-07:00
These days and months have been flying by.
How can it already be time to file taxes? In all honesty, I think this is a date that sneaks up on almost everyone. Although there are those few admired and envied people who had their taxes completed, refund received and spent by January. It is apparent I am not one of them and will never be.

I guess when one's life is filled with stress, good and/or bad, it just seems to make the earth spin a bit faster, and all you can do is hold on and keep stepping.

I have recently accepted a new job, which on the face of it, is absolutely wonderful! It has been my goal to continue to improve my station in life in ways that are meaningful to me. One of the ways is to work hard, particularly as I get older, at maximizing my income as best I can. This new position was a step in that direction and I am truly happy and grateful. However, there was so much negative/positive emotion initially attached to this accomplishment, that I don't feel that I have been able to embrace the complete picture of my good fortune. The fact that I am still figuring out what I am doing and have not regained my confidence yet, has much to do with my general apprehension as well.

So here I step out on faith that I made the right decision and things will work out, as they should.

The boyfriend is back. Yes. The same one that sent me into a complete tailspin of depression and ...
Is now back trying hard to rectify his wrong. To be what he should have been from the beginning. When I look back on the loves in my life, as this incident has forced me to do, I wonder how I even survived some of the madness that is part of my history. And I know that most women look into their past with similar thoughts. It truly is amazing the strength we conjure when we need it. When we have no other choice. So here again, I must believe that everything happens for a reason. That my love for this man has some lesson for me. Some lesson for him...

Faith

So often we find ourselves doing the hard work of daily survival all alone. Working to make our lives, the lives of those we love better each day. Being tired and still moving forward. Still smiling and laughing.

Truly amazing.
My new mantra is: Jump. And the net will appear.