Couples Therapy- Session 2

Well, here I am in therapy with a man that I know to be emotionally abusive.
But I now have to rethink that unprofessional diagnosis... Because each time we leave the session..I am in tears...and he feels vindicated. Could I really be THAT wrong? I guess so... I am left today in a depression that I am finding hard to get out of.
Before he left today, I mentioned that my sister really like the present we/he got her for Christmas.. He responded that he hopes she appreciates the monetary value of the gift because it was expensive. (?) This, from a man who's annual bonus each year is around 350K.. That is the bonus... Not the salary.

I sent him an email telling him that indeed she does appreciate the monetary value of the gift and is very grateful for his generosity ...

Detachment

Is the secret to happiness.
It is the way of the Buddha.. the Tao ...
It is difficult.

So as I sit, trying to meditate and learn the lessons of life as they are presented to me. To ponder the riddle of doing what I think was the "right" thing.. the morally correct and in-line thing.. Yet still having to face the same trials that were presented before.

So no date now for our event. No response to communications sent. No worries because I ain't bent.

Wow..

It is Nice to be Wanted

Not by the FBI, or some other law enforcement organization seeking to liberate you from your freedom.

But by those in power who think you have something to offer...
Who recognize your value and contribution, even when you doubt it for yourself..
What it has done is renewed my vigor in my current position..
Reminded me of my work ethic and what I do well
Reminded me also that what I know of myself is when I face I challenge..something moves inside me to not only meet it,
but surpass it..

I can do anything

So can you...

Thanksgiving Eve

Sitting in my office on this short day (leaving at noon)...hardly able to focus on work.
Feeling the energy of staff who are, like me, ready to go home and enjoy the rest of the week with family and friends...

Feeling some anxiety because I know I have so much to do... projects to attend to... but wanting only to sleep...to relax... to play with my dog... to relish in a bit of leisure..

Alors, it is done... pack up the bag...shut down the computer... Exhale in gratitude..

"Other people should not have the ability to hurt you. What they say is just their observation...YOU give it meaning...YOU can choose what that meaning is..YOU can choose how to react."



(as the ears still flow...I am on a learning curve with this truth)

Red Flags

So, as we head out on a trip to lovely Sedona AZ.... I anticipate the best. Even though I know there is potential for disaster. Why?
1. Road trip from California to Texas.... in a mini cooper
2. Said trip is being taken with a man I know has a bit of a psychological disorder. Though I am not a doctor.
3. It is a helluva long way...

Amazingly, the 8 hours from SD to Sedona was uneventful...even nice.
But here we are on the first night ... after a round of golf, that was pretty wonderful..we head to the 19th hole for a drink and bite to eat.

At the table, I looked over at him and told him (in my regular voice..so I was not whispering) "you have a booger..you can get it when you get your napkin". That was the end of the good times. He told not to say that so loud. (I only said it loud enough for him to hear. Mind you, this is the same man who took off his pants while the bell person was in the room.)

He stopped talking to me altogether. We came back to the hotel and he slept for 3 hours. I went to meditation class to try to get some perspective..came back and asked him what he wanted to do this evening. He shrugged his shoulders. Do you want to watch a movie I asked... He shrugged his shoulders... So I told him that I can't be..like this with someone who can't talk to me.

So he proceeded to tell me how I am:

1.Ghetto
2. Lowbrow

I can't tell you how much that hurt my feelings. He said it an hour ago and I am still crying..I just can't stop. This is the man I am supposed to marry? Who thinks I am lowbrow??? That term is so mean...so judgmental and ..hurtful.. He tries to spin it with "I mean your behavior is lowbrow".. That is not better...

This relationship is doomed

Long Time No See

It has taken me this long to get my password updated to log back into my old corner of the world. So happy to have my space again.

No Assistance

without any assistance or guidance from you
i have loved you assiduously for 8 months 2 wks & a day
i have been stood up four times
i've left 7 packages on yr doorstep
forty poems 2 plants & 3 handmade notecards i left
town so i cd send to you have been no help to me
on my job
you call at 3:00 in the mornin on weekdays
so i cd drive 27 1/2 miles cross the bay before i go to work
charmin charmin
but you are of no assistance
i want you to know
this waz an experiment
to see how selifsh i cd be
if i wd really carry on to snare a possible lover
if i waz capable of debasin my self for the love of another
if i cd stand not being wanted
when i wanted to be wanted
& i cannot
so
with no further assistance & no guidance from you
i am endin this affair

this note is attached to a plant
i've been waterin since the day i met you
you may water it
yr damn self