Resolutions 2008...

On the verge of the eve... anticipating the blessing of a New Year to live, love and make the most of each day I get to spend here on this planet... I list the promises to myself and to my family and friends of being better and doing better. Hokey? Probably. Cliche... most certainly... but still important as it serves as a reminder that change is critical to growth and the metamorphosis continues...

This year I will:
*Meditate and work on my spiritual journey. Pairing with those souls with whom I connect.
*Treat my body as the temple it is. Stop abusing it, with overindulgence of food and/or drink to hide from those emotions that seem too intense at times to bear. (It is so much easier to sleep instead).
*Continue to reach for those goals I have set for myself.
*Never let the opinions and critical actions/remarks of others damage my self esteem or forward motion
*Not have good sex with bad men or bad sex with good men. I will strive to have good sex with good men. Or keep it to myself.
*Not tolerate poor treatment from anyone. I will voice my opinions, position, emotions as I feel necessary.
*Be true to myself.
*Purchase a home
*Surround myself with positive energy as much as possible. When it is not possible I will create that energy myself.
*Not let fear drive my decision making
*Be a better friend, daughter, Sister, Auntie each day

Go 'head.. It's your birthday!

Yes, it was my birthday last week, and what a fabulous time I had!
There is nothing like spending time in celebration with family and friends....
and it is particularly exciting when the celebration surrounds you! All about that little (or far too big EGO).

Nonetheless, I had a blast.
Friday: Out with the girls. Dinner and a show. Not your traditional show, mind you. This was a "Lips" celebration featuring Cher, Beyonce, and a host of other celebrities. This was a Show in Drag with good food and drink to keep the parties going. I have never seen so much glitter, booty and everything else on men dressing like women, and men becoming women. Fascinating! Cashmere was the waitress for our not-so-rowdy table of 7. A big "girl" with some serious biceps, a lovely personality, and a pretty tight ass. On her days off, she wrestles. But that I am sure, is a very different show.
Throughout the evening while we dined, we were treated to a number of musical vignettes by Queens in various stages on the quest to gain their crowns. By far, the most intriguing was a petit Asian starlett whose skimpy outfits left little to the imagination, though I did wonder how she tucked it in so well. There was no trace.... incredible.
The crowd was diverse but everyone there had at least one thing in common: they wanted to have a good time. The Divas made sure of that... and I have to say, I have never so happy to be called a Bitch so many times in one evening.

What light thru yonder window..

The week ended for me with exhaustion… I was just tired. Tired of what seems to be the constant crisis management I seem to be in. Most of it centered on people who don’t want to work with one another, who can’t seem behave in a professional manner, who are not fit for the position they are in and are not trying to improve. People. The bane and the life’s blood of our existence. As I walk out to my car, with the rain pouring down and the wind blowing in my face, I try to let go. It is not working. Then I remember what always brings me back to reality. The collapse of the freeways in San Francisco. 5pm, folks rushing home after work…in traffic. Upset about some craziness that they might have been dealing with that day, or week. In the next moment they are crushed by tons of concrete. It’s all gone. See. Works every time. I am happy and looking forward to a great couple of days off.

The weekend starts with an exhale. Peaceful. Meditative. A nice run (both days), a tasty meal and a good book. I thought I would go to the show (movies) with some friends, maybe have lunch. But it turned out I needed to be alone with myself. The weekend ended spending time alone, golfing, cleaning, and purging my closets. Nice. Quiet. Most of my weekends are this way, spent alone

But wait! Is this how I am going to end up spending my weekends until I am 50?! Alone?
No love interest…just my plants, my books, my golf clubs? Really? Thanks to allergies, at least I won’t be filling my home with cats. But will this be all there is? Probably.
Many of the Black women I know are single… raising children alone..living alone..and finding confort and comapnionship in family and a solid network of friends. Focusing on career and other interests. As do I... one of the many single Black women over 35 who will most likely never have a traditional family of their own. And though our lives are full, there is a tinge of what could be missing...immediately followed by the affirmation that nothing is missing at all.

Even still, I am not ready to throw in my cards and cash in my chips just yet.

At least not today.

This picture, taken at the Arc de Triumph, is one that I love. Today it illustrates how I sometimes feel at the thought of things that may lay ahead. At the situations and emotions one must manage in a day. At the tribulations we survive when we did not know we had it in us. Strong. Evocative.

Thanksgiving 2007

It is safe to say, that although we are always thankful and grateful each year when our family gets together for all of these holidays, this Thanksgiving was particularly a blessing. It is a blessing to have both my parents with me... To have my father here, looking healthy again.. eating better and making his same old jokes. After surviving his heart attack, we are so thankful to have him with us this year. And that sentiment permeates through each and every one of my family members. I am Blessed.

How do you make God Laugh....

This is the beginning of a corny joke that a friend of mine tells every so often. When she tells it, it is like she has just heard it for the first time herself and she can barely get to the punch line without cracking hersellf up. What is the punchline? Tell him your plans...

Well, while I was making plans... trying to figure out my career life, my love life... real life barged in. I called my Mom to check on them, as I usually do. She said she was taking my Dad to the ER because he was having chest pains. 2 hours later... my sister is at the hospital... I am packing... My Dad had a "mild" heart attack and they are keeping him. Angiogram... Angioplasty... I am scared... I am alone... I am on my way home.

Art in Millennium Park

Art in the fountain.
Over 1000 Chicagonians were photographed, videotaped really. Their heads in a vice. They look at the camera for a full minute, expressing whatever they like. When the minute is up, they purse their lips as if blowing a bubble... what we see at the fountain is a stream of water coming from their mouths... The work of French artist, Jaume Plensa.

















Below is "Cloud Gate" by Anish Kapoor..
What is loving called the "Bean"





To your left is part of the music center by Frank Gehry.
Beautiful and strangely futuristic. The concerts in the summer are free, and people gather on a lawn, over which is a web of steel holding a state of the art sound system. The back row, sounds like the front.




View of the skyline...

Into Thin Air

Birdseye View of Chitown




Views of Chicago from the top of the John Hancock building....
Below thre is beautiful Lake Michigan that goes on forever into the horizion...







View of Navy Pier from above

White City

Tonight I am looking at the city lights of Chicago reflected in the ocean they call Lake Michigan. After 3 days of exploring... the city and my inner being... I wish I had more time here. Chicago is beautiful, diverse, eclectic. I love that art is dispersed throughout the city in the most unusual places. At a bus stop. In the planters along Michigan Avenue. Art pops up at you from every nook and cranny. See the beautiful red dress waiting for the bus...

Chicago, once nick named the White City because its tall buildings were white plastered and shone in the sun. One even covered in white marble imported from Europe. After 10 or so years this particular structure had to be completely re-covered, as marble did not stand up well to the harsh Chicago climate. One would not want to be near a building that could shed large slabs of marble from 20 stories....

Next post... Into thin air...

Dolphins

We all love these graceful, playful sea creatures. Beautiful and friendly.
Research tells us that they are more like humans than previously thought... They, like us, are among the few creatures who have sex for pleasure, they whistle to get each other's attention and communicate... Now it seems that they, like us, have an affinity for recreational drug use.

My favorite news story this week, came from the BBC or PRI radio broadcast.
Apparently, dolphins at play will push puffer fish (blow fish) around until they are so agitated that they puff up. The fish release a toxin, that numbs the nose of dolphin. When the puffer fish relaxes again and goes back to its normal state, the dolphins go at them again...and again..

This story made me laugh and made my day. What could be further from the ongoing tragedies of war and death, crimes and punishment?
Just remember, the commentator reminded, blowfish are poisionous to humans.

Quote of the day

"When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid."

—Audre Lorde, American writer and activist, 1934-1992

Baduizm

Tonight's musical healing came from the Queen of Healing hip hop...

Erykah Badu took me on a musical journey from the past to present. From fear and conformity to self realization and authenticity. Focused on opening the heart chakra... Try to open yours...

Gore -ified

Al Gore came to campus today, and it was my every intention to see him.
Unfortunately, when the box office opened with its free tickets to the event, it "sold" out in less than one hour...Over 4000 seats..
Is he a rock star?

No. Better. He is a smart politician with an agenda to literally save the world. What could be more motivating? Our box office did not open until 10am, however, people were in line for tickets as early as 5am. That is commitment.

Still, with no ticket in hand, I had faith that I too, would be in his crowd of supporters.
I tapped into my informal network, and ended up with an usher position in the VIP section of Rimac. Synchronicity.

Al Gore is bigger than life. What surprised me was his knack for stand up comedy. For the first 10 minutes he spoke humorously about his fall from Air force 2 to a rented Ford Taurus. Where was his entourage indeed. After thanking Roger Revelle for teaching him about the importance of global ownership and preservation, and honoring Ellen Revelle's continued support, he moved into his presentation. He asked that the lights be turned down in order to view the slide show. With the lights off, one could focus on the information rather than revel in the awe of his person.

Just as in the movie, the information was horrifying. But his message brought hope and inspiration. His presentation was filled with a passion that I had not heard before. It moved me, touched my core, made me think. Was this how people felt when they heard Martin Luther King Jr. at the pulpit? It had to have been close.

With the crowd roaring "Gore for President"! Stomping their feet in the bleachers, and sending him audible kudos, he left for his next stop on the trail he is blazing toward a renewed environment.


Al Gore and Ellen Revelle look at an item in the Birch Aquarium's new "Feeling the Heat" exhibition.
(Photo / Bob Ross)

Les Nubians

The middle of the week usually brings with it a mix of excitement, as my weekend is approaching, along with what is often a bit of exhaustion from the work environment in which I am currently enmeshed. This week, however, was different. It brought healing music to my spirit. Good vibrations into my soul...

Enmeshed not in petty office politics, or psychotic attempts at manipulation, or ego driven faculty who view me as their personal Kizzy.... No... for a sweet short time, I was surrounded by loving energies. My psyche soothed by melodies that spoke to my core...

All of this, at my favorite spot in SD... The Belly Up.... with my favorite Sister..

Les Nubians... Merci!

The Beautiful Coast to the North

Serenity is foundIn an abundant future

The Lone Cypress

My first visit to Monterey..

Hope

I keep getting the same message lately.
It has come to me in many forms and in many ways. Both deep and intense and light hearted reminders. I do believe in the synchronicity of the Universe. The message: Cherish each moment you have. Cherish those that you love, those that move you. Tell them how important they are.

Just this week, I got this message twice.
The first came from my good friend from college who now lives in Los Angeles.
She called to tell me that her 27 year old sister had a cardiac arrest that kept her
in the hospital for over 2 weeks. She is rehabilitating slowly and may never fully recover.
27. Healthy. Positive free spirit of light.

How do I console my friend? I am lost at what to do. Maybe there is nothing I can do or say, and I know that to be true. But I also know that there is something about the presence of your friend, there when you need her, that can make all the difference in your moment, in your day..in your life.

The second came with a call from my own Sister.
One of her life long friends called to tell her that she is dropping off her 8 year old with my sister because she needs to get to the hospital her brother is in. Her brother is recovering from surgery. Two weeks ago, a relative told her brother that they (their family) may be predisposed to colon cancer and he should start regular checkups. He felt fine at the time but thought that he would go ahead and get it checked out.

Turns out, he had undiagnosed colon cancer and was immediately scheduled for surgery. While the doctors were in there, they spotted 2 lesions on his liver. Two days after surgery, still in the hospital with tubes running every which way, his doctor told him he has about 24 months of life left.

What?
What do you do with news like that? How do you console the patient? The friend? While thanking God that it is not you this time... and please, please don't let it be.
Any one of us could have 24 months and not know it. No tomorrow is guaranteed.

I miss the freedom of childhood.
The unabashed happiness and turmoil that was completely self centered and self absorbing. I miss not having to think about how to greet death, or be friends with uncertainty.

This evening, I participated in a war protest. A candlelight vigil of prayers for fallen soldiers and Iraqi civilians on this 4th anniversary of the Campaign of Shock and Awe. We sang songs of hope heard the names of those lost to the people in the crowd. I was grateful that I did not have a name to recite. That the person I knew serving in Iraq, just came home last month and is okay. But I mourned for those others... I mourn for my friends...
I also hold out hope for them and their families. I hold out my little candle of light in hope.

Black History Month

This has been a month filled with some trials and many triumphs. This month, I have witnessed a little bit of magic each day, with each Black History month program, and in each of those who participated and supported our efforts.

In this short 28 days, we dined with Hollywood Stars and were enlightened by the shining wisdom of campus alumni who've come back to share the knowledge...To write their names in the books of history.

From right here in our little corner of the world, we traveled. Circumventing the globe through music, poetry, film, dance and the spoken/written word. From Uganda to Europe. From South Central to MidTown USA. We've honored our illustrious history and acknowledged our bright and shining future.

It has been exhausting both physically and emotionally. It has been extraordinarily rewarding on all levels. Each year, I think to myself that I cannot do it this time. I don't have the energy or the time. Then I think of those who went before me. Who never had the opportunity, or should I say luxury, of being "tired". That was not a choice. And I don't have a choice either, because as the path was paved for me, it is my duty to keep laying bricks and pavement for those who come after me to walk on.

Our journey is one rich with culture, family and sincere love.
Forward ever...

30,000 Days

I'm obsessed! Well maybe just hyper aware... There is a difference... right?
My frequent cruises up to Los Angeles can involve any number of things. Most often it is the beginning of the weekend and I am looking forward to seeing my family and friends. There might be some mission to accomplish, like babysitting, taking Mom shopping, a theatre event that only shiny LA can offer.

The trek never seems too long because I am addicted to books on tape and my XM radio.
Last weekend's jaunt was no exception. My mission: Visit Mom and then accompany my Sister to a pseudo Superbowl party. We were only going because this party boasted several very large HD televisions, and Prince was the halftime entertainment. We weren't disappointed. Those 8 minutes of the Purple One in high definition, was well worth it.

On the way home Sunday evening, I pushed the XM button and clicked over to 156... Oprah and Friends. Even I couldn't stand the schmaltzy dialog during whatever "friend" was on at the moment, so I switched to NPR and caught a conversation in progress on the importance of being aware of how we spend our time. Understanding the importance of gratitude. Living in the present and not lingering in the past. (Okay, this may have been kind of schmaltzy too)..

"If you live to be 80 years old, how many days do you think you get?" asked the commentator. 400,000! replied one person...another said 60,000. 30,000 days was the answer. Actually it is really around 29,200.. but it is nice to round up, particularly in with this equation. 30,000 days is not a lot of days to have... in fact, it seems like a really small number. Now wonder we all have a feeling that time is flying..because it is and there is not alot of it.

So how you are spending it becomes the important question. It is like a bank account on those long months when you might cut things close paying your bills. You know how much money you have and what you need to give away... you are focused on meeting your obligations and reserving funds for other needs/wants/desires. Why aren't we so good at managing our time? Not to be more productive at work and make those endless meetings. But how we spend it. What we focus on...

The notion of 30,000 days is helping me realize how often I might allow other people to affect my mood and my outlook. Awareness is good. I choose, and when I can't choose, I determine my response. Focus on making the most of each of however many days I might have.

Harbor sights

View from the Top

Today I spent the majority of my time indoors, participating in a retreat for the community Board on which I sit. Part of me was excited because I knew we would get some critical work done during this time, but who wants to be cooped up inside, on a beautiful San Diego Saturday? Pas moi!

After grabbing my Starbucks, I hit the freeway headed downtown to the facility where the retreat was about to begin. It was 8:45 and I was close to being late. Through my sunroof, the tall buildings gleamed in the morning sunshine. I found my destination and elevated to the 13th floor. No triskaidekophobia here. When the elevator doors opened, I was greeted by floor to ceiling glass walls... Ultra modern furnishings right off the pages of the latest Architecture Design magazine... flat screen televisions on far too many walls to be useful. "I want to work here" I thought to myself. Then I walked to the windows and saw the view....

Conversations with Mother... Volume 1 Chapter 1

Unlike most adult women my age that I know, I speak to my Mother once a day, at the very least 4 times a week. Some think that is a bit much, and they might be right. But I cherish these conversations, even when I don't enjoy them, even when she upsets me. Because I know how lucky I am to have my Mother living, cogent and engaged. I try to get something out of each of our interactions and hold on to it, because I know I will need it, right now.. or someday.

I talk to my Sister just as often. During many of our conversations, we'll gauge the current emotional temperature of our Mother, and whether we should group call. make individual calls or simply remain silent and let whatever flaming embers there are, cool before making contact. We keep each other safe that way.

Today I called Mom because it had been a couple of days since I talked to her, and I just don't to let too many days go by. Today we chatted about a number of things. What I love about these conversations is that sometimes I get pieces of her history that she seldom shares, but come out as she relates a current story.

She told me about going out to dinner with Dean, Dean's ex husband, and their two daughters. All of them are somehow related to us, but I have never figured out that bloodline.
Dean is a long time family friend who divorced her husband a few years ago with the encouragement of her then boyfriend. That boyfriend dumped her directly after her divorce was final. Dean, however, still participates in family activities involving her ex and their friends. Never mind that her ex husband now has a steady girlfriend. Do I hear "Jerry Springer"?

This particular dinner was in celebration of the birthday of the Ex. The time came to order drinks and Ms. Dean ordered wine, telling the waitress that it was for her and her two daughters only. Those are the only glasses the waitress should pour. My Mother was appalled mostly because she has always been so generous with these friends. She immediately copped her oh-so-sidity persona...literally turned her back to Dean as the waitress poured wine in my Mothers glass anyway. "Can you believe that?" my Mother asked me. I said yes. Didn't she remember all the times before when this woman dismissed her in an unfriendly manner only to come later bearing gifts and telling stories of her latest family situation..? "Yes, you are right." Mom says. Then she tells me the following story solidifying that this woman really has never been her friend as she ponders why she's retained her as a "friend". She began......

Your father and I went to a dance on New Year's Eve with Dean and Will (her then husband), and another couple. At one point in the during dinner, close to midnight, they all left and went to a back room where they stayed for quite some time. I was left at the table alone wondering what the heck was going on. Some nice man comes over and asks if he can sit with me until my group came back. He said that he hated to see a beautiful woman sitting alone. I agreed, figuring your father would be back soon, and I told this fellow that my husband should be returning. He said your father should have never left. So he sat and we just chatted. I think he said he was there with some friends of his. Who knows. Right before midnight, he gets up to leave and gives me a kiss on the cheek, which I thought was just sweet. All of a sudden I hear that loud and obvious voice of Dean. She yelled across the room "She kissed him! She just kissed that man!". I was horrified! I could not believe she did that. Your Father just went with it, did not ask me what happened or anything. Just grabbed me by the arm, hustled me outside and called me a slut.
(This my Mother said is another story about my father that I need to know. She'll save it for another time).

I tell my Mom that she should have never spoken to Dean again, what kind of friend would do some craziness like that anyway. She agreed, but said Dean showed up a few weeks later bearing gifts and apologies, saying she did not know what got into her. Like the pattern of an abusive husband this "friend" ebbs in and out of her life, repeating this pattern to this day.
Today, she thinks is the last time. I am not so sure. But what I am sure of is that this woman should know better.

Mother's advice to me in this conversation is to really evaluate my friendships. Determine if people who call themselves friends, actually have my best interest at heart. Look at what they do... I agree and tell her that I indeed do pay attention. "Good" she says. "You know I pray for you ever night, but you have to do your part too".

Yes Mom.. I know. And keep praying for me. I think it may be working....

Capistrano Swallows

She is like a butterfly, kind of shy
The Lady never beats about, she just sighs
All her men return to her, like Capistrano Swallows..

I was talking on the telephone with a girlfriend of mine this week.
As we chatted about this that and the other, she made a comment about a situation, saying
"it is like going back to an old boyfriend. Never a good idea".

She's right, I think to myself as my mind starts to play the reels of old boyfriends of
mine and if I could consider taking them back.. Which ones would I go back to.. what
am desperate enough to tolerate now that I could not tolerate then? What might not be "so bad" after all?

A better question, is why do they keep calling? After 3 months, one would figure that it is a done deal. But even years later, the calls come.
"How are you?"
"What are you up to?"
"Are you dating anyone?"
"You know I still love you, right? I have thought about you everyday."

Really?
Interesting.
The Lawyer has found God and truly understands, admits and regrets his life as an asshole.
"People can change" he says. Correcting himself, he states that he really has always known God, it was just revealed to him that his behavior is less than acceptable most of the time to most poeple. And now that he is moving to Texas, he figures this a good time to reconnect and let me know that I really am the one he wants to spend his remaining years with...

The Mystic says I just need to realize that I am not contributing what I should, as he is. That I am not open and I am judgmental. If only I understood and accepted things from his perspective things would improve. That although he say things that are hurtful or untrue, he does not mean them to be so, and if I would not project so much of my anger and judgment into what he says and writes, I would allow our love to grow....

The Bully says that he really only loses his temper every 27 years and I just happened to be present at the time. I really should just let it go because we could be so good together. I mean it was only a bar fight in which he attacked someone and attacked me as well. Come on..that wasn't so bad. "Are you going to make this hard on me? Are you going to make me beg?" he asks...

My friend may indeed be right. It is just never a good idea to return to something that was not good for you before. It is probably not good for you now.

The Beauty of Balboa Park as the sun is setting is truly magnificent. Catching the light in the crevices of that architecture and the leaves of the trees is an art form in itself.