Debbie Downer

My mobile phone is ringing. Again. I look at the number and see that it is Debbie. I click the side button to stop the noise and send the call to voice mail. I grab my keys and run out the door heading for some cool relief from what seems to be record heat and humidity in San Diego. The air conditioning in my car feels extra wonderful as I turn up the music and drive to the cinema to extend my escape into the cool air, while watching the Devil Wears Prada. No, this is not a movie review.

After a blissful two hours engulfed in air conditioning so strong it gave me a chill, I’m back out in the heat. On the way home, my mobile rings again…. It’s Debbie. Guilt makes me take the call and I am immediately sorry that I did.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my friend Debbie. I think in some ways she has it all… Single, great home that she is upgrading, cool job. But like many of us single girls in the city, we are still looking for that special someone. Debbie has had a special someone for almost 20 years. A very handsome white man with whom she’s had an ongoing relationship over these years. Problem is, for most of these years this man has been married. And during these years, he and his wife had 3 kids.

Suddenly… It always seems to be sudden, but it never is… He and his wife got a divorce. Debbie was not surprised really, and admitted to me that she was a little excited at the possibility that was now open. Maybe now they could be together openly. Maybe they could actually begin to build their lives together. She loves him. He loves her too in his own way. Unfortunately, his way of loving her now is no different from his way of loving her while he was married.

So now my conversations with her have become counseling sessions on the topic of “Why does he do me this way”, and this call is no different.

“Hello”, I say to her. “What’s going on?” I say trying to be extra happy. It did not work. Her voice was drawling as she told me that she was not doing anything. She was just going to watch movies and sleep because the heat was a little much. “Sounds like a plan”, I tell her. “Call me if you want to go out somewhere later when it cools off”. She says she will, and I think we’re done for now. Then she says she has a question. “What is it”?
Debbie then tells me that she is upset because her now divorced lover has told her that she has an open invitation to come over and use his pool. Today she called him and said she wanted to come over, get in the pool, and get into him. He told her that was not a good idea today, because his ex-wife is coming to pick up the boys, and it would be a scene if she were there as well.

Insulted and hurt, she asks me what I think about that. I told her I really did not know. I know that her feelings are hurt and that she wants something different from a man who is not going to give her what she needs which is a loving committed relationship. That he will make her feel special, desirable… She gets upset when he calls in the middle of night to request her company…but she always goes to him. She gets upset when he disses her privately to speak to his ex-wife, see her or be with people. We’ve spoken for hours about why he never says that he loves her, why he never does those “little” things that mean so much. Things that she does all of the time…Cards for his birthday, special surprises to make him smile and maybe slip and declare his love. None of this comes in return.

So what do I say? She is a smart woman. A beautiful woman. A tormented woman.
A woman who will continue to be depressed today. Who will sleep and self medicate until she feels better, or until his ex-wife leaves and he calls to request her company.

Ring... He called. She's headed over and is all smiles again. She's going swimming...