Conversations with Mother... Volume 1 Chapter 1

Unlike most adult women my age that I know, I speak to my Mother once a day, at the very least 4 times a week. Some think that is a bit much, and they might be right. But I cherish these conversations, even when I don't enjoy them, even when she upsets me. Because I know how lucky I am to have my Mother living, cogent and engaged. I try to get something out of each of our interactions and hold on to it, because I know I will need it, right now.. or someday.

I talk to my Sister just as often. During many of our conversations, we'll gauge the current emotional temperature of our Mother, and whether we should group call. make individual calls or simply remain silent and let whatever flaming embers there are, cool before making contact. We keep each other safe that way.

Today I called Mom because it had been a couple of days since I talked to her, and I just don't to let too many days go by. Today we chatted about a number of things. What I love about these conversations is that sometimes I get pieces of her history that she seldom shares, but come out as she relates a current story.

She told me about going out to dinner with Dean, Dean's ex husband, and their two daughters. All of them are somehow related to us, but I have never figured out that bloodline.
Dean is a long time family friend who divorced her husband a few years ago with the encouragement of her then boyfriend. That boyfriend dumped her directly after her divorce was final. Dean, however, still participates in family activities involving her ex and their friends. Never mind that her ex husband now has a steady girlfriend. Do I hear "Jerry Springer"?

This particular dinner was in celebration of the birthday of the Ex. The time came to order drinks and Ms. Dean ordered wine, telling the waitress that it was for her and her two daughters only. Those are the only glasses the waitress should pour. My Mother was appalled mostly because she has always been so generous with these friends. She immediately copped her oh-so-sidity persona...literally turned her back to Dean as the waitress poured wine in my Mothers glass anyway. "Can you believe that?" my Mother asked me. I said yes. Didn't she remember all the times before when this woman dismissed her in an unfriendly manner only to come later bearing gifts and telling stories of her latest family situation..? "Yes, you are right." Mom says. Then she tells me the following story solidifying that this woman really has never been her friend as she ponders why she's retained her as a "friend". She began......

Your father and I went to a dance on New Year's Eve with Dean and Will (her then husband), and another couple. At one point in the during dinner, close to midnight, they all left and went to a back room where they stayed for quite some time. I was left at the table alone wondering what the heck was going on. Some nice man comes over and asks if he can sit with me until my group came back. He said that he hated to see a beautiful woman sitting alone. I agreed, figuring your father would be back soon, and I told this fellow that my husband should be returning. He said your father should have never left. So he sat and we just chatted. I think he said he was there with some friends of his. Who knows. Right before midnight, he gets up to leave and gives me a kiss on the cheek, which I thought was just sweet. All of a sudden I hear that loud and obvious voice of Dean. She yelled across the room "She kissed him! She just kissed that man!". I was horrified! I could not believe she did that. Your Father just went with it, did not ask me what happened or anything. Just grabbed me by the arm, hustled me outside and called me a slut.
(This my Mother said is another story about my father that I need to know. She'll save it for another time).

I tell my Mom that she should have never spoken to Dean again, what kind of friend would do some craziness like that anyway. She agreed, but said Dean showed up a few weeks later bearing gifts and apologies, saying she did not know what got into her. Like the pattern of an abusive husband this "friend" ebbs in and out of her life, repeating this pattern to this day.
Today, she thinks is the last time. I am not so sure. But what I am sure of is that this woman should know better.

Mother's advice to me in this conversation is to really evaluate my friendships. Determine if people who call themselves friends, actually have my best interest at heart. Look at what they do... I agree and tell her that I indeed do pay attention. "Good" she says. "You know I pray for you ever night, but you have to do your part too".

Yes Mom.. I know. And keep praying for me. I think it may be working....

Capistrano Swallows

She is like a butterfly, kind of shy
The Lady never beats about, she just sighs
All her men return to her, like Capistrano Swallows..

I was talking on the telephone with a girlfriend of mine this week.
As we chatted about this that and the other, she made a comment about a situation, saying
"it is like going back to an old boyfriend. Never a good idea".

She's right, I think to myself as my mind starts to play the reels of old boyfriends of
mine and if I could consider taking them back.. Which ones would I go back to.. what
am desperate enough to tolerate now that I could not tolerate then? What might not be "so bad" after all?

A better question, is why do they keep calling? After 3 months, one would figure that it is a done deal. But even years later, the calls come.
"How are you?"
"What are you up to?"
"Are you dating anyone?"
"You know I still love you, right? I have thought about you everyday."

Really?
Interesting.
The Lawyer has found God and truly understands, admits and regrets his life as an asshole.
"People can change" he says. Correcting himself, he states that he really has always known God, it was just revealed to him that his behavior is less than acceptable most of the time to most poeple. And now that he is moving to Texas, he figures this a good time to reconnect and let me know that I really am the one he wants to spend his remaining years with...

The Mystic says I just need to realize that I am not contributing what I should, as he is. That I am not open and I am judgmental. If only I understood and accepted things from his perspective things would improve. That although he say things that are hurtful or untrue, he does not mean them to be so, and if I would not project so much of my anger and judgment into what he says and writes, I would allow our love to grow....

The Bully says that he really only loses his temper every 27 years and I just happened to be present at the time. I really should just let it go because we could be so good together. I mean it was only a bar fight in which he attacked someone and attacked me as well. Come on..that wasn't so bad. "Are you going to make this hard on me? Are you going to make me beg?" he asks...

My friend may indeed be right. It is just never a good idea to return to something that was not good for you before. It is probably not good for you now.

The Beauty of Balboa Park as the sun is setting is truly magnificent. Catching the light in the crevices of that architecture and the leaves of the trees is an art form in itself.